One Crooked Momma

I'm not strong enough.

2012-01-30T07:59:00.000-08:00

I am always caught off guard when someone tells me "You're so strong"
The truth of the matter I am not but HE is.

I am a weeping crying/lay on the couch and don't do housework or move/forget to eat/talk no to no one/stress out easily/over clean my house for no reason MESS.
So no I don't have it all together but HE does!

In the darkest moments when this journey began I questioned God, I question why why WHY!? I screamed out for answers. What did I do, why does this have to happen!!?? My life was shattered all around me by a hidden sin that is so devastatingly destructive! I begged God to make it all go away, I pleaded in the darkness for His light to shine through, I cried out to Him to give me the strength to face the days.

I prayed for peace.

I was seeking answers to questions that couldn't be answered. I wanted to understand. But He answered differently. I could hear Him in the quiet moments, I love you my daughter, I am here, and I will never leave you. I am here always and forever my love never gives up and so you cannot give up!

So even though I am devastated. Our lives will never be the same. One thing remains. My love for God. My need to know Him more! My need to believe, trust, and walk in His light!

My only duty is to continue to pray, believe, trust, and wait.

He will always fight the battles for us, we just have to believe.

With him is only the arm of flesh, but with us is the LORD

our God to help us and to fight our battles. 2 Chronicles 32:8

Our God will fight for us!

Nehemiah 4:20

Do not be afraid of them; the LORD

your God himself will fight for you

Deuteronomy 3:22

Let's be real for a minute

2012-01-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

I am overwhelmed.
I feel defeated.
I am on the brink of craziness.

I miss so much....
sleeping in and letting A take the kids to school..
being able to lay back on the couch and watch them play with their dad...
days off work just the two of us all day running errands together...
getting to lay in bed and just relax while A does the nighttime routine with them all...
laying in bed as A cooks us all breakfast and then brings it to me in bed...
just being able to go where we want when we want just because we want to get out of the house without kids..
working on projects around the house together...
laying in bed watching tv...
curling up on the couch after the kids go to bed to talk...
taking a day OFF...
being able to have nachos in bed after the kids go to bed ..can we say random date nights...
cooking dinner together...

I miss having my partner in this life

I miss having someone so close

I miss my best friend.

Facing the mountains

2012-01-14T12:15:00.000-08:00

Completely bogged down by my own thoughts.

Burdened by the pain of constant worry.

Consumed with fear.

Overwhelmed with life and all I have to do alone.

This morning as I sat and prayed, two words kept coming to the surface: Integrity and Redemption.
I poured out my heart, pleaded with God, and still those two words kept coming forward. As I sat with my journal this morning, I prayed as I was opening it, and when I opened it the pages just fell open to the page on Integrity. Really God, today?

So I focused on integrity this morning and meditating over this simple verse

Whoever walks in integrity walks securely Proverbs 10:9

As I sat in the quiet and meditated upon this simple word, I was drawn to think of how our honesty speaks to who we are. Our words, our actions, our beliefs, all dictate who we are even our own thoughts. Honesty is what defines us.We must be honest with ourselves! We must review the intentions of our hearts in order to display the fruit of who we really are to others.

We are only fooling ourselves, God sees all of us, not just the outward stance we show to the world. As I prayed my heart was overwhelmed He knows all about you! He wants to free you from the burden you are carrying! Confess your sins to him - not just those you have committed but those committed against you. He will wash your heart clean! Follow Him and choose to walk out these days with integrity. This isn't easy for anyone to choose to do. Choosing to do the right thing in a situation is oh so hard! There is always things that could be lost. But no matter what the most important thing to do is not to forget our integrity is so important. We need to have this faith to be honest with ourselves and remember that without a doubt mistakes will be made. But God is always there to forgive and help us stay on the right path.

I know, my God that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity. All these things have I given willingly and with honest intent. 1 Chronicles 29:17

Starting the year out right!

2012-01-01T19:29:00.000-08:00

This last year I took on my first fast. It was just 21 days, but it left me refreshed, alive, and believing in His word. So many revelations took place, so many miracles and I was able to stay focused on where He was planting my feet. This fall, I took on my second fast, and I was left with so many questions and answers all at the same time.

I learned over the course of my fasts last year, at how food really did control my life. I went on my second fast in October, because I found myself turning to food for comfort more at night than the word. I was turning to food for answers to my problems when the problems were not going away, just being compounded by feeling awful from eating and drinking more than I needed. I found myself questioning myself, getting lost in the fires that were raging in my life, and not fully listening to what God was showing me to do. When you go through a fast, you learn so many things about why you do the things you do. Why is it that that cup of coffee is so important in the morning, why can't He be enough? Quite simple a fast teaches us to deny our "selves" and instead put our spirit in control over our flesh.

After weeks of praying, I knew that I my year would have to start out right in order to be right all year long. I have had so many struggles these last few weeks, I am struggling with the vision I had last July from God, and questioning if I actually heard him right. I don't want to question anymore, I want to be obedient, I want to hear more of his plan for my life. I don't want to go through my life like I did last year, with just being content, I want so much more out of this year! So with that I am starting this year out with a 40 day fast.

I am going to being spending the next day praying over, and preparing my heart for this fast. Praying for His wisdom and guidance in the days and weeks to come. Looking forward to the amazing things to come in this journey, completely believing in miracles!

Early Morning Clarity..

2011-12-30T09:20:00.000-08:00

I need to be frank.
Gonna have to just be real and lay it all out on the table.
These last few weeks, I have closed up, I have shut down, I have isolated myself, stopped trying, quite simply I have believed the lies within my own mind. I am in a place no one understands and believing that it will never end.

This has been one of the hardest weeks since the firestorm came bursting into our doors. There was nothing I could do, I only felt even more alone, hurt, and broken. I believed the lies of my thoughts, the insecurities, the fears, I have let it consume me.
I could hear God overwhelming me with His word, telling me that I was worth it, but I couldn't release myself to really listen, I couldn't even find myself to sit and pray to really hear Him, I was lost in the lies of what I've lived.

The lies are overwhelming the pain runs deep and I always find myself falling into this deep dark hole allowing the enemy to take over and break me down...

Then last night, I cried out to God, I begged, I pleaded with Him to replace my rest with clarity, to wake me with His word, to give light and hope in the darkness, I cried out to God to come and rescue me.

God responded.
He always is there for us, it is up to US to go to Him. He always comes. But I needed to stop, and let Him in. He responded to my pain and my hurt, He has never left me, He doesn't want me to be alone. it is NOT God's will for us to be lonely! He has gone to great lengths to bring us into HIS family! Who am I to deny what He has done by hiding in the lies?

Then, a sweet friend posts a video.
I was brought to tears, I was broken down, I could see again, and God told me I am here, You are worthy.

I love this verse from The Message
God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating Colossians 1:13-14

We have power in His word, we have power when we live in His victory. You don't have to be alone to feel lonely. I am in a place where I feel no one understands and that it will never end. But the thing is it will, one day, but that day has been set and written by God. I am doomed to keep repeating this cycle, if I don't walk in His light. I must trust in Him, take the reigns of all the lies, and stand up fight them with His word. Only He sets us FREE.

Oh my HEART!

2011-12-22T21:25:00.000-08:00

There are so many days I feel like I'm failing my children when it comes to raising them in an environment that thinks of the world around them. That I'm not really teaching them there is so much MORE that what they know and live.
Then there was days like Tuesday:
My sweet L told me that it was the first day of Hanukkah. Totally taken aback, I asked how he knew that, and well quite simply from school. So we talked about what he knew (which was a LOT), and he asked why we don't celebrate it. I really had no real good answer for him! So we talked it out, and he asked if we could, and I said well I don't know I really didn't think we could. The poor thing started to tear up! So thanks to some sweet friends, reading up, and planning out a quick 8 days, the next day we started celebration! We baked cupcakes and we read more about Hanukkah, but then talked about how Jesus is the light of our world. We read John 8, and talked about how Jesus preached 3 different times how He is the light of the world.

Then there are days like today:
We went out tonight to look at lights (our second night of celebration), and I told them they were the other lights of my life ;) But while we were out my sweet L tonight asked me about the people that didn't have people for Christmas. He said that we didn't help anyone this year and wanted to know why we haven't helped anyone in a long time (months really). I told him that I wish I could baby but it wasn't in our means, and he said but we got blessed this year! Jesus must have wanted us to know He knows what we've done for other people and it's ok not to this year. Oh my HEART!

There are times I feel like I've stumbled as their momma, and I question if I am making a mark on their hearts. These precious moments show me just how simplistic their hearts are, and that they really do remember the small things we do together, and that is what matters most, and that is what will teach them the most.

Recap in pictures

2011-12-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

Well within my soul...

2011-12-14T07:32:00.000-08:00

There is beauty all around us, but it isn't what we see that is the most beautiful to God. Our family is in crisis, times have been upside down now for just over 5 months.

I had to write out a letter of character, and this morning while again praying over my letter to the judge God answered me with 1Samuel16, to remind me that God sees my heart. It isn't about what you look like on the outside, what you may say to others, God sees all my mistakes, sees me at my weakest, but never leaves me behind. It doesn't matter what is or may be said about my family or I, we are living for Him. He sees that I have fallen short, he hears my cries, but He hasn't given up on loving me. God has his hands in this journey, this fire I am walking through as a friend called it, and He knows that I am in pain. God will preserve the faithful I was told many years ago as I struggled with the news we'd never have children, but look at us today, I am blessed with 3 beautiful babies. God hears our prayers and answers them in His time, I sit with one answer in my lap right now she is a beautiful answer to seven years waiting on the Lord.

So as I get ready to send off this letter, I pray over it for a softened heart for the Judge, the courts, but most of all I pray for my heart to be softened. It isn't about what we see or hear, it is what is on the inside that matters the most. It isn't what others may say or do, it is what is in our hearts that matters to God.

This journey isn't about fighting for what we want out of our life, but about growing closer to God, and living out what He wants for our lives.

Summer 2011

2011-09-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

I know this is late, but all I can do with that is just to give a big ol recap! Not having a computer for 3 months stops you right in your tracks!

This summer began in an amazing way, T turned ONE!!! But that wasn't all, on her birthday we headed out to Arizona The boys had no clue but we were headed to DISNEY! Nothing better than a surprise vacation to jump start a summer break!

We got to spend 5 days in California, and I think it was by far my most favorite vacation ever! Nothing better than seeing the magic in your childs eyes when they see it all for the first time. We got to spend the rest of June with friends, park playdates, learning to ride our bikes, and relaxing.

Then our summer turned upside down and our lives forever changed. July 1st will always be the day I will never forget. In time the fear and anger will subside, but for now we live in this moment of What ifs. We live a life that will never be the same, I don't even know if we will ever live an openly public life again, but one thing remains we will live and we will survive.

It didn't end our summer but we did have quite a few moments where I could do nothing but stay at home with them as I fought the strength to stand against the world and push forward.

We got to enjoy many more play dates with sweet friends, picnics at the park, swimming at the pool, and soaking up the time we could as a family.

The boys started school and I still can't believe my L is in kinder! The miracles of his life, he has come so far I am so proud of who he is growing up to be. My dear R started school this year at a new campus dedicated to the gifted and talented students in our district. Thus far he has excelled and I couldn't be prouder of him, he has an amazing soul!

We don't know where life will be taking us in the months to come, but we continue on together enjoying each other, celebrating the small things, and laughing at whatever we can.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. James 1:2-3

Three Years!!

2011-05-21T06:40:00.000-07:00

Today marks another year down. Three years, WOW.

If someone would have told me on this morning 3 years ago I would be sitting in my living room at the same time with my THREE kids I would have told you that you were NUTS. But here I am today so blessed and so thankful for what I have been given. My daughter is walking circles around the couch right now and I started to cry as I watched her do so this morning. My boys are amazing miracles and they know this but I can't help but be overwhelmed every time I lay eyes on her. My life has been changed forever and with her I feel like I got a second (ok third haha) chance at being a mom from the start of her precious life. She won't know a momma that cries because she hurts and just wants left alone, she won't know a momma who has to say no we can't do that mommy doesn't feel good, she won't know a momma who gets stuck in bed days on end, she won't know a momma with a crooked back.

I am happier than ever the pain is no longer ruling my world
I am healthier than ever I can enjoy life with my kids.
I am so blessed and forever thankful.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T18:11:00.000-07:00

Today I am blessed to be called Mom. It is the most important job that anyone has ever entrusted me with, I wouldn't change it for anything in the world!

Nine Mother's Days without mine,whoever says time heals all wounds, must not have lost both parents by time they were 21. They especially haven't lost their momma. I've had nine Mother's days with my kids. Well my 1st I was blessed by God to be pregnant with R. I would love to go sit at her grave, tell her stories, and share my life. But that is thousands of miles away and so I sit in my room, pray and talk to her and cry my heart out.

When you're a mom you want to have a mom, someone who's been there done that so that you have a sounding post, you want reassurance that you are doing an amazing job, that you will survive their childhood, and you want to know that well you are still loved even when you don't feel it. I am blessed that even with out my momma, God blessed me with a mother in law that can tell me the stories of when A was a kid, and I can hear her advice and how she "made it through" and survived. haha ...I am blessed to be loved by her...but of course it will never be the same but I am a very lucky Daughter in law.
Happy Mother's Day Ginger!

I am blessed today because I have 3 amazing kiddos that I never thought I'd have in my life 10 years ago, even moreso with a daughter. It is my dream for her that I will be there with her when she walks down the aisle, has babies of her own, and needs a mom to call in the middle of the night. I know I can't predict the future, but I do know that I can pray and have faith that whatever ever happens in my life God knows it and will take care of them.

Today if you have a momma give her a hug for me, tell her you love her, and remember that no matter what happens in life you only have one momma. I wish someone had screamed that at me 10 years ago.

Happy Mother's Day Mom, I sure as hell miss you terribly.

(this is one of the only pictures that I have of my mom and I sadly enough)

Miss you forever!

2011-03-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to my Mom.
I wish that I could call her on the phone, take her out to lunch, or just see her face and hear her voice. But she's partying with Jesus now. It's her 60th birthday!

I see so much of her in myself. One never wants to hear "You look like your mother", but I am glad that I at least favor her.

Tonight's dinner was just the kids and I....we had a talk about how it was her birthday and I was making her favorite Sunday dinner, of course who doesn't like roast and potatoes from the crockpot?! It turned into my crying my eyes out but trying to talk to them as they asked questions and I told them about her.
The most precious thing of all was L telling me "well she is in your heart forever"... R telling me "No matter what you're still her baby girl"...

and then L saying "Wait are you crying like a baby!??" ..Thanks Kid you know just how to keep me smiling.
That's what my life is like. Just when it crumbles around me and I want to cry like a baby, my kids swarm around me and I'm reminded of what good I have. How blessed my life has become since her passing 8 and a half years ago.

Miss you forever, Mom. Have fun partying with Dad and Jesus this week!

2011-02-11T07:46:00.000-08:00

Life has taken me through the wringer as of late. Well really let's be frank, most of the time really, and I put myself through the wringer with my own choices and thoughts. But well that's a moot point.

There have been times in my life when He has proven to me without a doubt His realness and last Sunday was no different. I've had to miss the better part of the last 4 weeks of services, I watch them online at home later in the week, but nothing heals my heart like really being able to listen to service at church with no interruptions. As I finally get to the pew, of all songs that was starting was God be praised, that just opened my heart and brought me to Him. The word brought that day was title The Spirit-Filled Life: Lived In Relationships. It was just what I needed at this point in my life. Last Sunday's word spun me into a week of reading Ephesians. It's been an amazing and uplifting word for me! Just when you are weak, His word is strong!

Therefore be very careful how you live – not as unwise but as wise, taking advantage of every opportunity, because the days are evil. For this reason do not be foolish, but be wise by understanding what the Lord’s will is. And do not get drunk with wine, which is debauchery, but be filled by the Spirit, speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music in your hearts to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for each other in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, and submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians5:15-20

As a mother. I see being wise as taking full advantage of every single opportunity. I struggle with momma guilt, as does most moms that I know. But I am giving up on dishes and floors to play a heated game of Connect 4 or practice addition or read a book with my babies. To curl up on the bed with them at bedtime and talk about our days. It's ok to put T to bed so that I can shower, vacuum the floors finally, or heck even just get 10 minutes ALONE.

Not to worry if I am making the mark, or living up to some standard I feel all moms are doing except for me. For every one thing I do good I feel there are a dozen times that I fail miserably. But I'm coming to see that this is true motherhood, it is a season in my life full of mistakes, learning, trying really hard, and failing yet again. But this is a season that is marked with Grace, not just for myself but for others around me.
As a wife, understand God's will.
Life is unpredictable, but God’s promises are everlasting. I revert back to Jeremiah29:11 it seems to be my daily motto on the bad day's.
I know my problem is my attitude, and it's all too easy to stumble into my old self, my old way of thinking. It's how I handle any conflict around me, it's so much easier to go with what is easier, what I KNOW and grew up with. But that is the old me and thus no one sees the new ME.

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.” Ephesians 5:8-13

Reading these verses challenges me to check whether I ‘am light’ to others – do I live as a ‘child of light’?
I try – and on a good day, yes. On other days – I probably don’t as much. I stumble, and fall, but at the end of even my worst days, weeks, and seasons He is always there to pick me up brush me off and Love me.

and in EVERYTHING giving thanks.

....in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs3:6

Nothing better for one's Self Image!!

2011-01-03T16:16:00.000-08:00

Hello 2011 Can I ask you a Favor?

2011-01-01T16:46:00.000-08:00

Last night I felt so blessed as midnight came and went and I spent that time with my DAUGHTER. It is so magical and still makes me crazy to think and look at her. I can't believe that God trusted me so much to let me do life with her!

For many years of my life I couldn't find a year that was full of many blessings, so much has happened in the last ten years that it's quite mind boggling and hard to even explain to those that don't know me.

But I can say hands down the best thing of the last 10 years is this, I because a wife and mother. I found God and He has forever enriched my life and I am amazed daily at all that he reveals to me.

I am working this year towards being a better wife to A, mother to my 3, and daughter to Him! It's been a challenging couple of months as I've fought PPD, coming out of the funk that happened at the end of '09, and accepting that I really do have an amazing opportunity to have one amazing life. But we're coming out ahead in this race, and I will not back down from living my life to it's fullest and trying to always be a better person.

So as we start another decade, I am just asking 2011 to please be kind to me, I am still a work in progress ;)

5 Fabulous Years!

2010-12-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe that my baby turned 5 yesterday.
This little guy has come so far in his 5 years that I am amazed at what all he can do now!! From not talking till 3, not wanting to really walk till over 1, and seeming to be so shy and withdrawn to this crazy, full of random information and tidbits, outgoing little man!!

He is my baby and I am so proud of him!
Happy Birthday my sweet boy!!
These have to be my all time favorite baby photos of him for sure

....at least for now ;)

A band-aid for my soul.

2010-12-01T18:07:00.000-08:00

This season of my life has taught me a lot more about myself and the inner strength I didn't know I had. The fear of what others may think of me has robbed me of the better part of the last year, and the ability to even connect with anyone new let alone with those already in my life. But life has come full circle and I am finding that I feel freer letting go of what others think of me, and that if anyone sees me as a ungracious person then there is nothing I can do about it. If anyone thinks that I do not give to others what I expect for myself there is nothing I can do for them. If anyone doesn't want to be my friend because they think that I only care about myself then I am sorry that they do not know me and I cannot do anything for them. I serve a mighty God, and my heart breaks for others daily, and if anyone doesn't see me for who I really am, there nothing I can do to change it, but I can pray, and let God have my pain and ask him to guard my heart, mouth, and soul.

I may be an orphan in this world, but I am still God's daughter. I may feel so alone outside of my family, but I know that He is always with me even when I step off in the wrong direction.
I am married to an amazing man that will walk this life with me, hold my hand through it all, and take care of me when I am at my lowest. I have been given 3 amazing little people to raise and send out into the world. I have been entrusted with these lives and darnit I am going to make sure that I make the best of our lives.

Starting a new decade

2010-10-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy time in our household, three kids really does take a lot of time away from even the smallest things. T is 4 months old now and I wake up with her smiling and feel so blessed. Eight years ago so much happened and yet here I am today full of happiness and blessings that it overwhelms my heart. The boys are doing so good in school. R absolutely loves school and reading. He is reading at a 4th grade level already, and is above average in so many things. L started reading this summer and we're working on keeping him going. I cherish the fact that I get to stay at home with them, and watch them grow and mature every day. I am so happy that I am at a point in my life where I can do so much for them and I LOVE to do it!

We went to Indiana around my birthday to settle some business with our old house we still own. Had a great relaxing time with just T and my brother. Got to celebrate my birthday in a quiet small way, and finally got to stand before my mother's grave for the first time in 4 years. I came home finally starting to feel like myself again.
Postpartum Depression this time around was and is a scary thing to me. I know I haven't touched the subject here, but I was deeply affected this time around and struggled to let anyone know of my failures out of fear. The medication is starting to work, and the time away from the boys' helped me to calm myself down and get myself mentally in check. I am still praying that I can still maintain where I am at and that I will be back to normal again soon.

So now I'm 30. Hush!
I look back at my 20s and realize that in every year something big happened in my life and my 20s didn't start out so well, but you know what it ended WONDERFULLY!!

20 Finished College and The Towers fell
21 My mom passed away
22 Got terribly sick told we couldn't have babies and was Baptized
23 Had Roman/Got Married
24 We bought our first house
25 Had Lucian
26 Left everything and moved to Texas
27 Had my surgery
28 Finally healed and cleared to LIVE life pain FREE!!
29 Had Tallen

It was one crazy decade and I am looking forward to the next one!

8 years....

2010-08-31T06:52:00.001-07:00

This time of year always brings me down and out, but then I come out of it having learned something new about myself and my God. Eight years ago today I was flying home and yet what I didn't know at the time was the last drive to visit mom and really get to talk with her...what I didn't know that day that made me SO happy was that she'd be gone from my life in just 13 days...

As Roman stated to me just a few weeks ago, that it wasn't that God didn't answer her prayers for healing, He needed her and that is what makes it alright. It was in prayer that I found solace and it is in Him that I continue to find it in my hardest of nights. I journaled through that month and look back on it often. It was the ONE month in my life that forever changed my life. I lost my first best friend, but then fell in love with my forever best friend. I lost the only thing that mattered to me, to only be blessed with 3 little people that will forever mean more to me than the world.

I don't like September, I've always love the Green Day song, it's been fitting since the first day I heard it. Only good thing about September is that it always ends and then October 1st I get to celebrate the birth of my first baby!

Living with a Chronic Illness

2010-08-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

I am a mom and a wife, and try to live my life to the fullest every GOOD day I get. But I am doing so all while living with a chronic illness. There is NO cure, and I will forever live with it's side effects. So now someone reading this is thinking what? Scoliosis only curves the spine how can it really be that one would compare it to a disease like MS or Diabetes?

Scoliosis IS a chronic illness and there is NO cure. Yes it affects only 2-3% of the U.S. population, but that is still 8 million people. Having to live with it means that you are plagued with a myriad of related issues. It impacts ones quality of life limiting activity, causing pain, and self-esteem issues. My scoliosis had started to reduce my respiratory function when it had reached the point that I HAD to have the surgery.

Now also think about this fact, the increased health risks I face due to the NUMEROUS x-rays I have had in my life. I'm talking every 3 months in my teens I would get scans upwards of 6 at every visit. Plus all the checks since then as well.

Not only was I in so much pain I couldn't play with my children, I couldn't walk some days, sit in a chair, or even sleep at night. I was left with out the ability to sleep if I laid in the wrong position in bed which scared me so bad that I started to experience anxiety attacks at the age of 17 thinking I was going to die from suffocation. The outlook of my prognosis coupled with other outside factors has caused depression that I fought and still fight to this day. I deal with emotional issues, the iribility has caused me to cranky beyond what anyone can probably imagine. Just couple being tired form lack of sleep, pain that you can't control and kids running wild all over the house and all you want to do is sleep but you can't. You have to keep moving, so you get cranky and it's not pretty. These fallouts from dealing with a chronic illness and being a mom is what makes such a situation depressing. All any mom wants is to love on their children and never lose it. Yes I am here to admit I have lost it on my children, what good mother hasn't? Especially one with an illness.

So many people have said to me recently "Wow I never would have guessed you were in pain" or "Does it really affect you that badly?". These aren't new to me, I've heard it the last 16 years of my life. So many say to me that I am super mom because I do SO much with my kids some days. The thing this those "some days" are my good days and my good days are only now starting to out number the bad. But for years my good days were few and far between, so I cherish them when they happened, and still do now.

Yes I had the surgery to "correct" the curve, but all that means is that I have a straighter spine. I still deal with the self esteem issues, the depression, breakout pains and the fatigue. I deal with fear from the surgery and what the future holds.

But most of all I deal with my life. My children have grown up with a mom who couldn't do much, and know that I depend on them. This breaks my heart, but I know it has made them stronger boys even in their young age and now I strive to do more for THEM. My heart breaks as I look at my daughter because I know the statistics, girls are eight times more likely to suffer from this disease, and I know that it is hereditary. I have laid hands upon her and prayed for God to prevent this disease from invading her body and it's all I can do. I can't imagine my life in any other way. I am riddle in scars from so many surgeries in my life on the outside and the in. In the end I know only one thing.
This is my life, and I live it one day at a time.

Our God is an Awesome God!!!

2010-08-15T20:47:00.001-07:00

At church we are going through a series called Supernatural, and it's brought me to my knees in front of God more than I have been in the last couple years. The power and the love He has placed over my family and I is so evident in the last eight years. Having Tallen has shown me the power of prayer and the power of His love for me as long as I am willing to believe in Him and that He holds to his promises. Two days befor emy mother passed away she woke and said to me "You're going to have a baby and it's going to be a girl" ...we all laughed it off, I had just barely started to date A ..but she was stern and said she knew it for He told her so. I held to that affirmation to her dying words to me, and when I was told by doctors that I'd never have children after my serious infection just months later I held to THOSE words, to the hope and the promise from God. I had R just 11 months later....and was saved when I was just 2 months pregnant with him. When we found out we were having a boy the second time around I did weep for the girl He promised me through my mother's voice. But I rejoiced in the life He was givng to us, and I love my boys, and loved them from day one because if it wasn't for God I wouldn't have had them to begin with. When I fought tooth and nail to be able to care for my kids, to LIVE my life without pain, I found myself on my knees. I mourned at the thought that I'd never have another baby, that my body was broken and I couldn't even carry myself upright let alone another person inside of me. Then came the point I couldn't live in the body I had the pain was to much to bear and God said "I will take care of you". it was through them that God's voice was always with me and it's how I agreed to the surgery with no doubt in my mind I would be HEALED and I would be pain free. I remember standing at the window in that doctor's room, sobbing in fear that surgery was my only option and God said to me "I will take care of you" .....after that moment every doctor and nurse that I came into contact with at Baylor would end every meeting with "I will take care of you" By God's power the surgeon's hands would be guided and I would be healed. I no longer have a curved spine.
I was renewed and I found myself living every good day to the fullest,, but I longed in my heart. I found myself on my knees last March and told God that I was HAPPY. I had all I ever wanted and I knew that if it was by His will then it would happen. But that I was going to live for Him, and my family. I no longer yearned for a baby, for the girl he promised. I was happy to be healed, to have my family in tact and God promised me great things in my life if I would give it all to Him. I would joke time to time with A but I knew deep down it wouldn't happen, and I was really ok with it. God promised me greatness if I would give it all to him. It was a hard season on us, A lost his job and I couldn't see how God was bringing us greatness, I questioned His plan, and He told me to not worry, He hadn't left me yet and He never would. Months of hardship followed, but God sustained us, we sink very far, and He was faithful. In September the words I never thought I'd hear was that we were pregnant. I was on my knees to God, how was I going to do this in this body, how was I going to manage THREE. God reminded me He had great plans for me and to hold onto Jeremiah 29:11. I held onto His words for months, and I prayed to Him in thanksgiving for all He had blessed me with. I cried many nights asking God to heal my heart and to keep me from longing. Then my little man said to me one day, I know we're having a girl because I've prayed and God said it'll happen. R's faithfulness is what kept me together, God saved me through my first baby, and He continues to reach me through him daily. Now here I sit 11 months later with this baby girl. He never forgot me and I promise to never forget Him.

No one can tell me that God doesn't provide, that He doesn't hold to his promises. He told me Sept. 13 2002 that He would hold me in his hands and take care of me, it took me almost losing my life to see His hand upon me and to never turn back. He is always there, he is always faithful, He does work miracles, I have three of them sleeping in the other rooms to prove it!

God is AMAZING!!!

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease

I trust in you
I trust in you

I believe
You're my healer
I believe
You are all i need
I believe
You're my portion
I believe
You're more than enough for me
Jesus, you're all i need

Nothing is impossible for you
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for you
You hold my world in your hands

Matthew7:7-8
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Moving along now

2010-07-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

Well the summer is already half way GONE. We've been super busy with so much that it's hard to sit down and write out my thoughts..I'm just plain exhausted every single night.

Tallen is an amazing baby, however my body is not. I have to fight for strength some days, and working on my stomach muscles is tiring on top of the exhaustion I have from lack of sleep and chasing two boys. A baby after this surgery can be easy, feeling the hardware again is NOT. The heaviness and the soreness of the muscles around it is tough to deal with at times, and at others it has brought me to tears. I rocked Tallen a few nights ago in complete tears because the muscles in my shoulder were burning, my upper body was so heavy, and I just plain old ACHED. What is a mother to do but to push through the pain, for I did it every day for 5 years before I was surgically altered ;)

But I am pushing through, stretching out, and trying to rest on the rough days. The boys thankfully understand, they know this was our life, and they are having to live it again, the momma hurts and has to lay on the couch this afternoon days are back.
But hopefully not for long.

Momma to 3

2010-06-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

OMG!
What a week!! Getting out of the house is an adventure all in it's own everyday with three! I am amazed I can do it and even did it under 50 minutes one morning...still escapes me on how we managed that one!

I am LOVING every minute of insanity with T ...she has been awake most of the days this week but has slept 6-8 hour stretches at night (score!) ....she loves to lay on the floor while her brothers play and talk to her...thus giving me time to get things done around the house (oh and potty alone too haha)

I have been able to wear her in our wrap and the meitai and am LOVING it...I wasn't able to really carry my other kiddos much due to my back....I know it won't last long with T due to her weight and the fact she's going to get big FAST.

The boys are on full on summer break...we've done so much this week and I've tried to do more with them when T does nap...but they keep fussing over her I had to explain to them that if they didn't let her be I would never get alone time with them....so that changed their attitudes a bit about her fussiness and let her be on her own a tad more the last two days.

Two summers ago I was taking walks outside with the boys, struggling to take care of them in my new body, and now we're 4 strong during the day and making it sound too easy!

Tallen Grey

2010-06-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Tallen!!
She came swiftly into our lives May 29th @ 12:45 9lbs 20.5in...she was born at 41w2d!!

It was the most intense BEST ride of my life.

My first painful jab was around 11 while laying on the couch (I hadn't felt anything all day so wasn't thinking it would amount to much)...I had a second within minutes and got up because I thought I just needed to pee....A said "We having a baby tonight?" and I said "No I just have to pee" and I'm pretty sure I didn't say it too nice and may have snapped it out hahaha...as I went into the bedroom I saw the clock read 11:08....by time I got back to the family room I had a couple more couldn't get comfy anywhere and started to time them....After trying to go pee two more times and having contractions that forced me to grab the walls and hold on for dear life a couple times...I told A we better call in to say things were starting to pick up...

.No joke I posted on Facebook at 11:35 while A was on the phone with the MW for the first time....I was able to talk and breathe through the ones I had when he was on the phone but I was having them every 3 minutes and at times on top of one another I couldn't keep up with them....I told A and her that I felt we had time to call grandma to come be with the boys and then we'd see where I was after the shower and then go on in...well I tried to shower...so on the advice of the MW I left the computer to shower and relax them out...within a minute of getting into the shower my knees buckled and I had to sit down...I got back in after that contraction and within seconds my knees buckled again...I sat down again....got back up to try to shower again but I felt dizzy and I started shaking and KNEW I was in transition....yelled at A to call the MW back NOW...then another one hit and I screamed back at A that we go NOW as he was back on the phone with the MW and I just said now now now....remember thinking I wouldn't make it to the car I was shaking so bad and could barely walk kept saying in my head that I wasn't in transition that I was just in shock because I wasn't relaxing enough....that if I could just get to the tub at the birth center I would relax and we'd be good to go for a few more hours....it took us 7 minutes to get to the MW...I timed it and the 2 contractions on the way there....it was 12:20 took one step out of the car and my body was pushing!!!....I couldn't believe it was happening right then...25mins later I had my sweet daughter in my arms!!

It was amazing...couldn't get into the tub there was no time to fill it (even though I did ask because I didn't believe that it was really happening that fast)....honestly the labor may not have sounded easy but it was so easy to breathe her out....I only felt the cramping and pressure never pain....I talked to her in between kept saying "Come on baby Come on"....and let myself vocalize ;) ....and said to myself I can't believe she's out (but only got out "I can't" out loud I was so tired) as she came into the world...I felt so amazingly strong, proud, and in love all at the same time...

...had NO cramps from 10am till that painful jab at 11pm Friday....105 minute labor!!! So glad we lived so close because otherwise we would have had her in the car or the hallway of a hospital!!

Today Tallen is five days old and the boys are totally in love with her. Their first moments with her were pure joy. They love all over her and Roman has learned how to pick her up and hold her (which freaks me out but he's amazing with her so long as he doesn't walk with her haha)..Lucian loves her but is ok to not hold her a ton.

I had forgotten how amazing A is with his babies....he is the most AMAZING dad ever...I love watching him with her..and the love in his eyes....and he has yet again taken amazing care of me....

We brought our daughter into the world with just him and I with the MW catching and I'll never forget how beautiful that was. Why would anyone want to birth in a hospital it's so peaceful and full of love in that setting. I just wish we could have had this experience with all our babies, but at least we got it with our last.

Yes that's right We're done. My family is complete and I am happy!

2 Years!!

2010-05-24T06:31:00.000-07:00

Well the weekend has come and gone....hit 2 years last Friday...and didn't have a baby yet ;)

I feel amazingly strong in this body and so ready to go into labor, even the smallest of cramps and I'm like BRING IT ON!! then they taper off and I go about my day or fall asleep.

Only 12 days and we are on full summer break, my baby is going to be a first grader!!

Oh and I'm still having moments of OMG I'm about to be a mom to THREE! yikes!

Well Baby T we LOVE you, but it's about time you joined us out here, big brother R has promised a blizzard cake, L has promised you lot's of love, and I promise to keep you safe from them hahaha.

Home stretch...and the pains of May

2010-05-18T14:05:00.000-07:00

I can't help but look back this time of year and be sad....it's when I look into the old book....this is the time when my mom's health took a swan dive and she never came came out of it....it was the start of the rest of my life without her and I couldn't face it even that May....how my life seemed like it was begining to end those last two weeks of May and I didn't see where I'd ever find utter happiness again.

Then I look at what I've always called the new Book of my life....where my life restarted with the never ending love of my best friend A.....so then in the new book I could look at May differently....

All I wanted 2 years ago was to survive the surgery and to become a better mother for my children...all I wanted was to share life with them and enjoy it....to give them the world and never look back...I was a momma to boys and missing out on so much of it with them....facing the fear of not making it out whole or even alive to care for them at all....facing the fears they too would grow up without a momma.....and here I am about to be a mother again....to a GIRL!

wow ...we're due in 2 days....and now the month of May is all about LIFE! I have found happiness in my life and reasons to live.

This is a bittersweet week...this is my last pregnancy....this is the daughter I have dreamed and prayed for....the daughter my mother told me I would have one day just days before she left my side...this is a HUGE addition to our lives....I am always amazed at how I can love someone so much, be thanking God daily for them,and yet I don't even know who they are...My world couldn't be better place...I have the most amazing boys, husband who has stuck by me through thick and thin, life and death, sickness and health... and in just days we will bring our baby girl into this world..

I couldn't be any more grateful for my life and I couldn't be happier!

Let your nana know I miss her but no worries I will LOVE you forever and she can let me have you now. We love you baby girl and are so excited to meet you!

25 days!

2010-04-25T18:29:00.000-07:00

Here we are 25 days to our due date. 26 days till the 2nd anniversary of my surgery!!

Looking back 2 years so much has happened, and I feel so blessed! This pregnancy has been amazing I never knew it could be easy to be pregnant! No back issues to speak of and no need for pain meds to keep me operational! We are set up with a Midwife and I am planning another natural birth, this time waterbirth and I am so happy to know my body is SO ready!!

The boys are so excited to welcome baby sister, and I am honestly still in disbelief. All these years and finally we are blessed with another miracle! Every day I find myself thanking God for all he has provided and the answers to my prayers. I've never felt so good, so happy! Never felt so connected to my husband, and I am loving my life!

I absolutely adore my boys and being the only girl in our house, but now times are changing and I cannot wait.

In just 25 days I'll be a momma times THREE!!

Memory Lane...

2010-01-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

So a year ago I wrote this post and look where we are NOW!!!!

Things are going amazing! I am so overjoyed everyday at how EASY this can be, to not be so moody and in pain from my back and the weight of my growing belly. How much fun it is to feel every tiny kick and to know just how far I've come!!

Plus to top it all off we were told it's a GIRL! I am so thankful for what this surgery has blessed me with and I will forever be grateful to Baylor and Dr. S. I just wish I could see him the next time I go in with a BABY in tow!

Also the Baylor spots will probably be up soon for you all to view, I have had a copy for so long it's killing me that I cannot share it anywhere YET!

The boys well they are being their normal boy selves. So excited to be having a sister and have constant questions and ideas about this whole process haha. They have reached the time where they are SUPER hyped up every night from being cooped up in school all day, and I just wish it was warm enough to throw them to a park once in awhile. SOON very soon.

Other things, it looks like I will be able to utilize midwife and birthing center this pregnancy. Drug free and at peace during birth sounds amazing to me. Other than a horrible hospital setting again. A is on board completely and I am so amazed at his love and confidence in me!

So many things are happening, I think about updating and I never do, I swear I'll update more and then I don't. I'm so bad at this anymore! I'll try at least to come back every month ;)

16 weeks!

2009-12-02T16:28:00.000-08:00

Time sure is flying by! I keep telling myself to enjoy every flutter and every moment. It is hard with two other kids running around and a house to keep up with. Oh and then there is that husband type person here too ;)

Getting a bump, feeling good finally over the naseau.

One thing that seemed to go away after my surgery was my horrid migraines. UGH they have returned with pregnancy and been so vengeful! I am dealing daily with that pain yet my OB seems to know what she is talking about and I am working on a vitamin regimen to regulate my seratonin levels.

I have had a few issues to deal with, one being my SI joint. OH MOMMA! That hurts. It took me down for an entire week. I was left limpy, sore, and irritable. Finally it seemed to subside and I know I need to keep watching myself and the warning signs for it to act up again.

Other than that bean is doing great, got to hear the heartbeat again. I am gaining steadily (that is yet to be determined as a good thing haha). I haven't gotten any major colds (knock on wood), and I am trying to keep the nesting factor at bay. (even though I am failing miserably because I want nothing more than to decorate, paint, and hang curtains).

So good news for the most part.
Christmas is 23 days away. YIKES!

and my baby will be 4 in just six days. *cries*

14 weeks...

2009-11-18T06:20:00.000-08:00

and the second trimester!
FINALLY. maybe this is the end to the constant sickness and horrible fatigue for awhile?? The headaches are horrendous at times but I'll take them over being constantly nauseated. I'm finally cooking dinners again and it feels so GREAT. Plus I was able to actually grocery shop without getting so nauseous I gave up, oh and didn't go too nuts on buying ridiculous things that sounded good at the time. Like tons more tater tots (my one food I cannot get enough of haha).

My back is doing amazing! I have had some issues this week with pain but it was focused on the very base of my spine, and felt more like a muscle issue and HUGE weakness. Didn't feel good and I'm still trying to keep it under control.

The boys are doing amazing and are so excited for the new baby. We talk about it almost all the time and they have lots of questions. Both are doing so good in school, and even L is just amazing me every day with how much he has learned in just the last few months. His memory is insane!!

A is finally picking up work, he is consulting for a mud company that his family has had work history with for YEARS....I'm talking his grandfather even worker there. We aren't out of the woods but I really have faith that we will be very soon.

Other than that not much else going on. I am so ready for the holidays. I absolutely LOVE to decorate for Christmas and since the boys have the entire week off next week we're gonna get started on Monday! My shopping is done for the boys, unless I find a killer deal (close to free ;) ) . I also am planning on doing a TON of baking this year. FINALLY! Tons of breads and treats galore!

17 Months

2009-10-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

and 10 weeks!!

What is that you say? 10 weeks? Yes we are expecting another! EEKS!
We found out a month ago, and it is a huge surprise. Here I am with a NEW back and lease on life about to bring in another life into this world!

It is still settling in that this is all happening. Here I was 2 years ago managing pain, 20 months ago barely able to move, breath, and take care of my boys. Now here I am going to have another!

So I guess my blog is going to be changing again, and this time I will be telling others just how you CAN have a baby after this surgery!

So here we go on another journey!

Baylor Campaign

2009-09-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

The Recent Ad Campaign for Baylor asked me to be one of the patient stories. So I said Of course! This is how that day went down in a quick nutshell.

First stop Hair and Make up. Then off to change, and find the "right" outfit. In between takes we stopped and talked. All I have to say is LOOK AT THAT FLAT BACK!!! Then the last stop of the long 5 hour day was the photo shoot. It was a fun day, and I met some amazing people on the set. The two other patients and I shared stories and talked during the lunch break. It is amazing to hear other's stories and wonder how many other people are in need of this saving grace like us!!

16 months post op

2009-09-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

... and yes I am still counting!

What an amazing couple of weeks this has BEEN!! Well so much is going on, and I haven't had a chance to get it all down and out on here. But I promise pictures from the Baylor shoot will be coming SOON.

Other news, I am doing great, and am moving forward in life. My boys absolutely LOVE school and we haven't had any problems so far. Just my oldest is so smart and just blows us all away!

A and I are happy, and things are great. He is looking again for more work, but I have faith that things WILL turn around, and we will be back on track in just a short time!

More news and pictures to come I promise!

Last Saturday of the Summer...

2009-08-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

Cannot believe today was our Last Saturday for the summer!!

We spent the afternoon at the fire station...boys LOVED it of course...the last open house that we went to there I had to go with friends and I could barely walk around it...but it was fun today just 100 degrees TOO hot!!

We met the teacher on Thursday, and R has since told us he is SO excited for school to start. Especially for PE (the little crazy of course said that right?) ...he even told me that he expects me to write him notes and put them in his lunch box...hahaa...umm thanks for spoiling the momma surprises...but I guess he knows me too well..he's too much. Had orientation at L's school Thursday as well and man I cannot believe how far he has come! I am so proud and cannot wait to see what my baby will accomplish this year!

Wednesday night was a Back to School Engage the Spirit at our church. an AMAZING night with my boys...prayer over them for the school year, for our schools, and R took a stand with the other kids. One of our pastor's spoke of being warriors in their schools, of telling people about God, and knowing that when there seems to be no hope in others that we have HOPE because we have God. Well he called for any kids that wanted to stand up and be one of those kids in the school to come forward...and R looked at me and said I have to do that! So I asked if he knew what it meant, and I got the "of course I do silly" and I let him go up front. On the car ride home I asked if they had a great night and R said flat out, "I am not afraid because I have God with me all the time. I know that if there is no hope in my school that there is Hope because I know God. I want to tell other people that God is always with them and that they too can be happy like me!"
...L piped up with..Yeah you know what God keeps you safe all the time...and R and him talked about God...R mentioned how he is 3 people (WOW I didn't know he had gotten it but he schooled me ;) )...and I mentioned that if he wanted to tell people about God then I was so proud of him and loved his decisions. Then we talked about a trip to Austin that is coming up at church and he said he would REALLY love to do it. So I have been praying about the mission trip and if the boys and I should take it so more to come about that soon!

On another note. I got the ad campaign. So off to Dallas I go on the 3rd!!

Something else that has happened recently is that I reconnected with a lost family member. My uncle John was a huge part of the better part of the first years on this planet. No matter the fact that he was taken away from me early on when I was 8, he is and will always be family to me. Thanks to the awesomeness of the internet I found him again. It is amazing to talk to him and I am praying that soon we will meet again face to face and we can meet each others families!

Tomorrow night we're doing a big dinner tomorrow night to celebrate school! I let the boys plan out the menu... R got to pick the appetizer with the meal and L picked the dessert...so of course it's mozzerella sticks and chocolate cupcakes...and I am making Lasagna....R has been asking for it for well over 6 months now...so I am going to finally oblige!

I also got accepted back to substitute..YAY!! So glad for that small blessing.
So that is my tad bit of news for now....

Well Now what?

2009-08-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

This week's trip to Dallas was an accomplishment in itself! I drove the entire way all on my own, plus the drive back, and the crazy highways of Dallas (that in itself is a feat!). We had so much fun, took the boys to the Aquarium (amazing!!!), out to Magic Time Machine (our favorite place), and did some shopping (well of course!!). On the way home we detoured out to Dinosaur Valley State park, and that was just AMAZING. So cool to see the dinosaur tracks along the riverbed!!

The interview was actually quite fun. I was not nervous at all, basically I sat in a chair and they videotaped me as I talked to the producer about my story. How I came to find Baylor, why did I feel I could trust Dr. S immediately, and the surgery overall. Basically gave an account of the last 3 years of my life leading up to and this year after the surgery. So fun and now I just have to wait to see if I am picked for the commercial.

Other than that, the last two days have been "sit at home in our pj's" type of days. We all need a road detox from all that driving, plus I need to clean out the Flex. She had a tornado hit her on the inside a 5 year old and a 3 year old one at the same time!

So that is it in a nutshell.

In Remembrance

2009-08-07T14:16:00.001-07:00

The Baylor Center posted about the passing of Dr. Shelokov:

On behalf of the Baylor Scoliosis Center, Baylor Regional Medical Center at Plano, and Baylor All Saints Medical Center at Fort Worth, I would like to express our deep sadness for the loss of Dr. Alexis Shelokov. Not only was Dr. Shelokov a gifted spine surgeon who brought hope to many who suffered from severe spinal deformities, but he also touched many patients, family members and staff members through his patient-centered approach and generous spirit. We have lost a wonderful surgeon and a wonderful man who touched many lives. We will greatly miss him. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family.
-Jerri Garison, president, Baylor Regional Medical Center at Plano

Alexis P. Shelokov specialized in spinal deformity. Dr.Shelokov was in practice for more than 20 years and was one of only a few dozen surgeons in the United States who regularly performed reconstructive spinal surgery for scoliosis and scoliosis revision surgery.

After living abroad for much of his childhood, Dr. Shelokov graduated from The University of Texas in Austin. He then attended medical school at The University of Texas Health Science Center Southwestern Medical School in Dallas followed by an internal medicine internship at Parkland Memorial Hospital also located in Dallas. After a move to Boston, Dr. Shelokov pursued postgraduate training at the distinguished Harvard Surgical Service in Boston, the Tufts New England Medical Center in Boston, and served as the Chief Resident at the Boston Veteran Administration Hospital. Upon completion of his residency, he spent two and a half years training to become a spinal surgeon with three fellowships at the Texas Scottish Rite Hospital in Dallas, Southwestern Medical School/Texas Back Institute, and later as the recipient of the Orthopedic Research and Education Foundation traveling fellowship grant, a position at the St. Vincent Paul Hospital in Paris, France.

Dr. Shelokov began practicing at Baylor Regional Medical Center at Plano in December of 2004, being one of the first surgeons to operate once the hospital opened. Dr. Shelokov was the medical director of the Baylor Scoliosis Center, and board certified by both the American Board of Orthopedic Surgeons and the American Board of Spine Surgeons.

He shared many passions including, photography, travel, and spending time with family. Dr. Shelokov leaves behind Georgiana, his wife of over 20 years, and two children.

The Baylor Scoliosis Center will continue Dr. Shelokov’s legacy of bringing hope to those suffering from the pain of severe spinal deformities and scoliosis under the direction of Dr. Richard Hostin.

http://www.thebaylorscoliosiscenter.com/aboutus/AlexisRemembrance.htm

It is coming to an end...

2009-08-07T12:44:00.000-07:00

What a SUMMER!

Well there are only 17 days left until my baby starts Kinder! Where has the time gone, man oh man. He is super excited and I am secretly as well (he has given me the permission to cry but ONLY on the first day of school haha). He is packed up has a spiffy new shirt, and is so ready. L is ready for preschool too. Hetold me that he is going to be so ready for kinder since he gets to start preschool now.

I am hopefully going to be able to still substitute this school year, and am praying that I can get registered and stay on course to getting my degree done.

Health wise I feel amazing. I have had to deal with fatigue, but that has coincided with the stress of the last four months. I fell off my own wagon and didn't do much to keep myself walking or physically fit. But with school starting that means I can get back on track, with my goal to walk R to school in the mornings and to pick him up in the afternoons. Plus I still want to do the run/walk that is coming up this fall in October. I found out about one that I can also let the kids participate with me in so I am excited about that one.

But other great news, A got work again and soon we will be back on our feet!!

One last thing to note. I was asked to come in to do an interview for a commercial for Baylor!! I go next week for that and if I get selected the commercial will be filmed a few weeks after that. So the kiddos and my brother are heading out to Dallas next week for 2 days. It's so freaking fantastic that I can make these drives all by myself! Another great thing added on to the very long list of things I can do now.

So things are picking up.
Now to work on some quiet time that Momma so desperately needs right now!

Losing a member of our family..

2009-08-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

That's what this feels like.
The Doctor that literally saved my life lost his just this Monday. I'm in complete shock after learning this from my great friend who also was fortunate enough to be saved from the nightmare of scoliosis by Dr. Shelokov. He was am AMAZING man and I will never forget him.

Rest in Peace Dr. S...you saved so many lives!

13 months and counting

2009-06-24T16:54:00.001-07:00

Every day I am struck with something that just amazes me about my body. Something else to be so thankful to God that I was able to get this surgery done, and survive.

This summer has been jammed pack with the boys...I have had some VERY tired days...but I am having fun with them...picnics at the park...swimming pool...walks....soccer game....movies and plenty more that I never thought possible. It's a blast.... life is...and it is worth living.

I LOVE my boys...I LOVE how crazy they are!
I don't want to forget the little things they say....like L ...he is the craziest one by far...the things he says somedays....I love that the littlest thing he knows to ask for prayers.. (like Momma I've got the monkies can you pray for me...momma I got the coughs can you pray for me...momma I got the hiccups can you pray for me)...Both him and R are amazing little boys so in love with stories of God. That amazes me, I have done at least something right with them and in my life thus far....R is in LOVE with music...he seems to have found Rock and just cannot get enough loud music....Where did my baby go??? ...but he is still slightly conservative compared to us with his very firm decision on a "normal" haircut....no crazy stuff for me he says...but he still will say "L let's rock!" and then they'll air guitar and head bang around in their underwears.....I think I'm finally getting them into the water and with some love...the hate relationship they've had for it has made us all nuts...They love sports....love reading...R is reading chapter books now! ...L is still out in right field but he is catching up amazingly so!!

As for me...I've had a whirlwind of a time....finally got my wisdom tooth pulled...I was freaked out 7 ways till Sunday ...but I managed to not have any pain or issues at all...Thank God! ..I have had the oddest of popping/cracking feelings and sounds in my spine in recent weeks...makes for uncomfortable nights...but I'm just thankful I can at least sleep and get out of bed on my own!

I have more to write...but R wants to read me a book...and laying down DOES sound like a great idea!

Look at How Far we've come!!

2009-05-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

ONE YEAR.
Dude.
I can say that this time last year I was a NUTBALL that was out of her skin with deathly worry, and tonight I sat with my boys at dinner (oddly enough eating chicken Parmesan although this year at home..and not Bucca's it was the SAME meal LOL) and we talked and laughed. ONE YEAR. So much has happened. So much has changed in my body it's amazing to me every second of every day.

I wanted to do an amazingly fun trip for my one year, something that involved LOTS of walking...but that will come shortly. Tomorrow I am actually working an 8 hour day. The first one outside of the house in well 2 years! I am substituting part time noq and am amused that my first long day is on my one year anniversary. Me take on 20 sixth graders and still be able to drive home afterwards? Yeah buddy I can do it now! Plus I have cupcakes to bake tomorrow night too.

I wanted to take a great trip somewhere that involved LOTS of walking. But that will have to hold off. I am actually still taking classes and am in an interim course I have got to finish before I can run off somewhere. Getting to go back to school has been the second biggest accomplishment of the last year. Getting all A's and B's is fanflippintastic!

So tomorrow is the start of a new chapter...the mindset that it's not so many months after surgery but YEARS. That I really can do anything I just need to get up and do it now. Being pain free is the best experience of my life. Only needing the occasional Tylenol once maybe twice a week is well neat to me. It actually WORKS for back aches like the commercials say that it can. hahaha...

So yay! I am super excited because at least tomorrow is a day to celebrate in all the crud falling down around us.

This is therapy?

2009-02-11T13:04:00.000-08:00

One week into PT and well yes it's kicking my butt (L tells me I have to say hiney). I go 3x a week and it's been anywhere from an hour up to 2 hours. After week 4 I will probably have to start doing an exercise regimen on top of PT. EEEKkkkk. I'm really excited about the outcome don't get me wrong. I am so READY to be strong again, to have the energy to do the little things like um wash my hair (yes I have times I get in the shower and it's all i can do to just even stand there lol). I'm ready to move on with life in my new body and I'll do whatever it takes.

Some of the exercises tire me out, some make my nerves and muscles BURN, and some I struggle to do even 5, but I'm pushing forward every day knowing that in a few months I'll be so much stronger. (and hey maybe I'll shed a few more pounds and gain muscles in my but, stomach, and thighs lol).

I'm busting my hump with my two classes, taking the boys to school, PT, working Sunday's at the church and running the everyday errands, but the the thing is I'm doing it all. It's wild how much I can do these days!

Here Goes nothing...

2009-02-04T07:36:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I got evaluated for PT. Yeah let's just say this is going to be some of the hardest more grueling 8 weeks of my life. I thought the surgery took it's toll, no, having to go 3 days a week for the next 4 weeks to start is going to. I have had NO ability to work out or maintain my strength or muscles for that matter in the last 2 years at about 100% and the year before that I was pregnant so yeah still not doing much of anything.

So the goals?

To get my tailbone to STOP hurting. Yes this will be the worst of all the therapies, but I am in severe pain and meds don't work. To work on my flexibility and get it back and to work on my range of motion. Lastly to get my strength back to where I was before surgery, and hopefully to make me stronger than ever (this will be a challenge I'm a weanie).

So yeah the next 4 weeks I won't have time for anything outside of PT, homework, home life, and work. This is going to be a LONG month. Plus I fear that all the work will start to tire me out and leave me sleeping HARD on the couch the days I actually do get free time. Yikes!

OK OK ok..

2009-01-20T19:59:00.000-08:00

I'm updating.
I've hit 8 MONTHS (well as of tomorrow)..but I know I'll be too busy to talk about it if I don't stop for a few right now and get it out of my system.

Last weekend was our 4 day trip out to Dallas for my follow-up, shoulder study, and to see Staci off to her surgery. We left with GREAT news for us!!

I have been completely cleared to go on with life! That was the exact words from Eric on Friday. He said to put the surgery out of my mind (um yeah ok like THAT could happen), and to move on with life and get on with it! No physical contact sports (rugby or football um yeah does he know who he's talking too? lol)...BUT I can ride roller coasters again, and well if we were wanting to we could have another baby. hahaha...yeah A didn't much like that part of the conversation but well it's a thought that will forever be in my head (I imagine what it would be like to be pregnant and NOT have the back issues and issues with walking...and not going through physical therapy while pregnant THAT is not fun).

So I can go back to life, I can live a normal life, and I am to start trying to take more Tylenol for aches and pains (yeah thats what NORMAL ppl do right? lol)...and I am basically almost all the way off of my pain meds as it is now compared to the last 15 years of my life anyways. I did find out that the issue's I'm having with my tail bone are a major issue, and it seems I may have to go in for injection treatments. (I don't remember much talk about it I glossed over when I heard injection into my tailbone *yikes!*).

We had a great 4 days together, we got to go to the Dallas Museum of Art and see the King Tut exhibit, then we went to the 6th Floor Museum the next afternoon. We spent time talking, hanging out, and I just felt really wonderful after the weekend was all said and done. We came home to our babies, and L being sicker than all get out so I've gotten completely exhausted already. But at least one thing is good, I'm NOT in pain just really tired!

As I mentioned we got to see Staci, she went in for surgery on Thursday morning, and even though she gave us all a scare, she is recovering remarkably well from what I heard tonight, and I am so AMAZED at the strength she has shown and am so happy for her and her family that she too will get to live a normal life!!! and I got to see Staci walk and stand so TALL! I really think she's gonna be taller than me now! She looked amazing.

I do start physical therapy this week, and then after this round of 6 weeks I plan on keeping with a workout program to keep my back strong and keep me motivated. This is the start of a new life for my family and I...a different side of life...and I just cannot wait till I start building up these muscles of mine again...I'm so ready for this new chapter!

Another Neck Issue

2008-12-03T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm down and out for now.
I can hardly sit up right now, it's getting worse as I move more. I just got the boys to lay down for nap and then I'm done for the day. It started as small twitches the last couple of weeks, and then some pain here and there. Then WHAM. this morning after dropping off R at school that was it, I couldn't look to either side. It's almost the same as last time but this time it hurts like HELL more and it isn't so much a muscle cramp pain.

So yeah if you don't hear from me for a few days I'm probably in bed.

Happy Turkey Day.

2008-11-27T19:37:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say that I am thankful for my children.
My husband who has stood by me thru thick and thin....even though I have put him thru the ringer and things get ridiculous at times... I KNOW that he will stand up for me and be there for me every time I fall to pick me back up. He supports me in anything and everything I do, and even though he is very quiet, I know that he loves me. I know he'll always be in my life and I'm forever thankful that I gave him a shot.
My brother I am thankful that he is in our lives and that he made this crazy ridiculous move with us. I don't know what I'd do without him in my life, and I just wish that I could make all the pain go away for him.

This was a great week with my family and I am blessed that I have them. I am equally blessed with a good handful of friends that are there when everything seems to turn upside down. What more can a girl ask for? (other than an unending supply of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream)

6 MONTHS!!!!

2008-11-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

OMG. Here we are at 6 MONTHS!!!!!!!
I cannot believe the progress I have made, and all that I have accomplished.
Before the surgery I dreaded the holidays, I was so scared I wouldn't even be able to have a birthday party for R let alone plan L's....but I did both...and now it's time for Christmas!
I am driving..taking the boys to the park weekly(!!!!!!!)...we've gone on big outings with the boys (!!!!!) and I've managed to do more with them than I ever have in their life the last 3 months. I forgot to mention two weeks ago we went and rode Go karts! Yeah that was a blast! and I managed to play putt put and ride another ride with them before our afternoon was over! I didn't even crash out when I got home!!

I am just so relieved and excited at the years to come...I've come so far already!

and oh My furry husband...(he shaved last week after a month of being a lumberjack)...I mentioned that 5 days before my surgery he FINALLY tattooed my name on his body ...that was a HUGE ordeal...I didn't tell that story... BUT 6 years ago I tattooed his name on my left ring finger...his birthday present to me for my 22nd...this was as we just started dating and we didn't even get engaged till almost a full year later....and he never did mine...it hurt me but I knew tattoos were not his thing...and I was just fine with it. Then out of nowhere we're in San Antonio doing the family thing before my surgery and he says to me "i want to get a tattoo" Hell he didn't even have to say what kind I knew. He makes me bat crazy sometimes, but what husband doesn't do that to their wife? That tattoo means a LOT to us it's our thing ;) and he did it for me before the BIGGEST surgery of my life. That's how much he loves me. (plus the fact he's stood up for me time and time again that's just LOVE!)

Don't scare me like that!

2008-11-17T09:30:00.000-08:00

Holy Moly Batman!
This morning I got papers stating that A's company was going to be switching to United Healthcare...I immediately FREAKED OUT....because we were told from the word go that Dr. Shelokov's office did not accept UHC....so I was all up in arms and worried...I mean I haven't hit 6 months and I'm due in for many more appointments.

Called and thank the Heavens as of Sept. 1st they take UHC. AAAHHHH!!!!
I was literally shaking and FREAKING OUT. But I'm better now and speaking of insurance I need to go pay all that medical debt down now. Now that is what sucks today.

Pardon the interruption

2008-11-14T20:40:00.000-08:00

However I rarely post pictures of us here, I am just freaked out by publicly posting a lot of pictures of my family and I. But I have to show off pictures the aftermath of the surgery. Of the progress you can see just in my back.

Now don't mine my huge butt...I actually love my big but...just focus on that back...

Now THAT is a flat back!!

Ok and I LOVE my boys..
.

Today I'm thankful...

2008-11-12T22:50:00.000-08:00

that I made it through the day. I didn't think I'd make it another step around 2..this was one day that wore me to pieces and it was only day one.... There is just an overwhelming amount of work to be done around here...just looking at it now this late still wears me out...but FINALLY it's bed time.
Finally.

..Only 9 more days till A is home again! haha

3rd times the charm, right?

2008-11-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

Ok tomorrow is my third opinion appointment. It's really ridiculous that no one seems to understand what in the HELL is wrong with me. I'm sick of feeling uncomfortable, sore, and out of sorts. On top of that the insomnia is KILLING ME.

Then there are the headaches. Holy Moly Batman. No Good, not at all. They seem to be more and more frequent and are so sharp and sudden it's hard to stop them before they start. I've had migraines for over 10 years, but crap these are just worse.

So yes tomorrow, pray this isn't like all the others here in Midland.

Ouch!!

2008-11-09T18:46:00.001-08:00

Ok sneezing HURTS. coughing eh I'm getting the hang of it...sneezing well no because I get caught off guard almost every blasted time and it HURTS! I need to learn how to sneeze in my new body (cough too, ok and REALLY need to learn to laugh). Yikes.

Tonight milestone 3849 I cooked dinner all ALONE. woo! Yes and it was the first big dinner I made that took an hour to finish (ok an HOUR to find the iron skillets LMAO)..then another hour cooking so 2 really. But BBQ chicken and everything around it. Felt good. But now I'm beat.

OUCH i have Got to stop sneezing!

No good.

2008-11-06T18:13:00.000-08:00

Ok so I've not blogged. I haven't talked to any friends in weeks, except for one. I just plain ol' fell off my own wagon.

We went to Tyler two weeks ago, to Day out with Thomas. Spent 4 days mini vacatoining. L got pink eye day one of our trip. Came home to a crisis with my brother. Then R got sick, and then on Halloween I got mad sick while at the party at church. But Halloween was a blast, we trick or treated with great friends at the Library and the boys LOVED the magician at the church party. This week I got sicker again and was so desperate I had the boys' great grandmother come help me get them to bed.

Studying hard in the last couple of weeks, lots of major tests, papers, and just HUGE chapters that make my brain really hurt.

Back is great, no pain, other than an odd sticking sharp pain time to time. But I'm only taking Narco at nighttime every other day or two. I am still on the muscle relaxers and weaned myself off the nerve medicine last week.

So yeah that is about it. Short and sweet, straight to the point.

2008-10-20T18:29:00.000-07:00

Get Your Own Free Hypster.com Playlist.

Blog Action Day 2008: Let's Take Action West TEXAS!

2008-10-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

I'm going to veer off from my norm because today is a special day.

Giving is a very PERSONAL thing for so many of us. For the past two years at Christmas the boys and I have adopted a family. We have donated enough gifts to the families to each have 3 presents, food for a month, and enough personal hygiene items to last at least 3 months. This year will be no different, and I hope to reach another family, and continue on this tradition with my boys throughout their lives. All it takes is to connect with an organization that is seeking volunteers to adopt a family, or look within your own church. Just under your own nose there is a family struggling just to make the basic needs of their children. I hope that this year I can reach more than one family, but it's going to take a group effort to make it happen, are you ready to make a change in someone's life? Are you someone that is just needing help but are afraid to ask? Do not be afraid, because no matter what you will make it through the tough times, there are people that can and will help.

Did you know that in Midland there are community churches that have food pantry's? They take donations weekly, and are all really needing your help. A few of the places in West Texas to contact are:

Santa Maria Food Pantry
3311 Andrews Hwy Midland, TX 79701
Phone: 432-520-0671

Andrews food Pantry
300 NW Ave D Andrews, TX 79714
Phone: 432-524-7051

Helping Hands of Midland Phone:
432-520-8900
1301 Brinson Lane Midland, TX 79703

Willshire Baptist Church
801 S Bentwood Dr, Midland, TX
(432) 694-7787

West Texas Food Bank
http://www.wtxfoodbank.org/

Midland Baptist Crisis Center
806 S Baird Midland, TX 79701
Phone: 432-685-1467

Midland Fair Havens
2400 Whitmire Blvd. Su. 100 Midland, TX 79705
Phone: 432-689-3411
http://www.midlandfairhavens.org/

There are SO MANY MORE! Just think of the difference you can make TODAY! It just takes $1.00 or an hour of your time to really make a difference in the lives of those living in poverty.

The most incredible song I've heard in a while.

2008-10-09T15:28:00.000-07:00

This song is just simply amazing, and so fitting to anyone that has had this surgery. It brought me to tears both times I listened to it yesterday, and I am hoping that more people share it and pass this amazing gem along!

Few Lessons learned.

2008-10-06T23:27:00.000-07:00

Over the course of the past 5 days, I have tried to find out what is making me nauseous. Number one NOT the pain meds, not taking them did not prevent me from being sick, but it did make me sore and a bit weaker for a day and a half. Two tonight, I made the mistake of sitting down to dinner with the boys. I ran out of Zofran and so tonight I felt sicker than a dog and all because I ate dinner with my boys instead of waiting till later. Maybe it's nerves as well, that's my third idea. That after they go to bed I'm not as stressed and rushed, but in the end I realize food is not my friend. However I can eat a bowl of cereal around 11pm or a sandwich of any kind and be fine. Otherwise eating anything any other time of the day and I will be nauseated and so sick that Zofran is the only way to keep me on my feet.

I have learned that even in the darkest days, when I need answers the most, that God will provide. Yesterday's sermon really spoke to my heart, my situation, and then I ran into a dear friend whom I haven't seen since early in the summer. She gave me the name of a doctor, and lo and behold I was able to get an appointment this Friday! After all the turn aways, there was this opening, that has to be God.

Also my baby will dance naked on tables with a broom and there is no way that I can stop him. No matter how many times I catch him, and tell him to NEVER do it again. AND both my boys will spends hours at night talking about their farts and burps laughing and staying up way past 11 and there is nothing I can do to stop them.

Catch up

2008-10-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

So let's see.

27th. My birthday! We had R's 5th birthday party, (the first we've thrown for him since his 1st), and it was such a blast! It was a great time and I could tell he and all the kiddos had a blast. I was so majorly impressed that I was able to pull it off and not be exhausted by then end. That night A, my brother, his bf, and I went to Hobbs. We went to the casino, and blew some money (money that my mil and A's aunt gave me just for that cause lol). By time we made it home we crashed hard, but honestly I wasn't sore, or fatigued from my back just a long fun filled day.

Our house is finally getting finished, I am able to do some housework now. Even though the vacuum is a challenge, and I can only really load the top rack of the dishwasher with ease. I still use the boys to load the washing machine, and then take the clothes to the couch for me. At times I find I can get to the machines, and the bottom rack of the dishwasher but it's not an easy task nor highly recommended!

Health wise, I am still seeking a doctor for my current medical issues, and I am learning more and more about family history. Which I am scared, completely FREAKED out. But it's at least forcing me to face reality and really look hard at myself. Some history? Well my family carries the BRCA genes and I have found out that a younger cousin is one of the carriers (even though I have never been tested, I honestly would think that I too carry the gene just like my cousin). Both our mother's fought breast cancer, however her mothers battle was a successful one, whereas my mother's was not. History of my mother's siblings? My mother had 4 sisters and 3 were diagnosed with breast cancer and the fourth brain cancer. She had 4 brothers, and two of them dealt with different forms of cancer. My maternal grandfather dealt with cancer as well as my paternal grandfather died from cancer. My father? He died from lung cancer, and a sibling of his too dealt with cancer. (So can you see how medically SCREWED I am yet) On the other side I also have learned that not just breast cancer runs in my family but so does ovarian cancer, this going back to our great great grandmother. With knowing this, like I said it makes me really look hard at the reality of my own situation. Knowing that the other women in my family have ALL dealt with the same issues, and some have ended up diagnosed with cancer, makes me stop and think twice about my decisions in the future (or even right now). I have had a lot of crying spells, and emotional breakdowns the last couple of days.

Also in the weeks to come, lots of just family time. Taking the boys to enjoy a fall tradition my family always would partake in but I thought we lost moving to west texas. Which is a corn maze, and pumpkin patch! So much going on, and so much stress isn't helping. BUT hey! at least I have a new back and I don't have to deal with that anymore! Some positive in all this negative for ya! and one last great thing, so far I am at A's in both the classes I am in this fall! Woohoo!

4 MONTHS!

2008-09-22T21:03:00.000-07:00

Wow how time flies.

Good News Yet?

2008-09-16T18:40:00.000-07:00

Ok so I need to get it out in the open, I have no idea what is wrong with me, sees neither does the PA I have been seeing the last week. Or the last PA I saw twice over the summer for the same symptoms she told me was a UTI and it seems it was not. Today I had a CT scan done with and without contrast of my abdomen/pelvis. What are they looking for? I don't know, and it's freaking me out.

A is getting ready for work he'll be gone the next week. R's party is the 27th, and there is still so much more for me to do for it. Getting sick right now with anything well it's just not helping my situation. Mentally I cannot handle anything right now, it's not a great time of the year, and I just want to feel BETTER.

On the back front, so far so GREAT! No real issues there, the only pain/feeling I have is my nerves at times and the instrumentation (which well freaks me the hell out!). If it wasn't for whatever is wrong inside me, I would be sitting pretty, but the fatigue keeps me unmotivated and also two steps behind.

So is the story of my life.

2008-09-13T18:37:00.000-07:00

6 years ago Today I lost my mother.
In two weeks I'll be 28 and we'll celebrate R's big 5th birthday.

Today I slept late, just to not to have to face this day, per the norm. A's family invited us to dinner so we went there tonight, and then the boys' are staying with grandma per the Saturday norm. Nothing exciting or horrible has happened as of late. I am dealing with an unknown infection, it is not correlated to my spine, however the doc is clueless so far. The fatigue I had is still harboring my ability to do much still, and when I try and sleep the pain in my sides, and the issues with my stomach (unknown infection) make it hard to get comfortable to even fall asleep. So I just float around, dope up on caffeine, and push myself to make it through the pain and day. This is A's week off, we're in the middle of it, so I am able to relax more and sleep in with little guilt.

I did manage to get L into a new Mom's day out program, on Monday and Fridays. So now I will have two mornings kiddo free, and then we'll have the ability to have down time two mornings during the week. I think that's going to help a LOT for me in taking care of them, and I really think this new church is going to be a better fit for him as well.

Tonight, well it looks like I better go tell A that it's time to just call it quits, I feel like ice cream and a movie right about now!

Another important tip...

2008-09-08T16:07:00.000-07:00

Online ordering is your friend...lol....not just pizza my friends...but look at other restaurants in town and save the websites because when you're so exhausted you can barely stand up and sit....the kids are screaming for dinner....well the delivery guy is your friend LOL..

In our area....www.mychefexpress.com ...there you can order from about 8 different restaurants in our area....and jason's deli offers online ordering... THAT is whats for dinner tonight here!

How to manage after surgery..

2008-09-08T10:49:00.000-07:00

So to be able to survive with two kids who make a lot of messes there are a few things that are well basic needs in the house in order to maintain the house and well survive after this type of surgery.

Yes the Carpet Flick, I cannot run a vaccuum daily, heck I can barely use it at all. So I have had this bad boy for over a year but am finally really using it and I mean REALLY using it. It gets pulled out after every meal in the dining nook, and at night in the living room. Plus the hand is like the swiffer you snap the poles together to make it complete..but removing a section or two makes it KID FRIENDLY height. Yes that means that my kids are really the ones using this thing the most. haha

Speaking of the swiffer, yes we use that every day too, and yes this one has been adapted at times to fit the height of the boys, so they can sweep the hallways for momma. All of this pole adapting can be done while laying on your back in your living room (yes it's been tested and the skill has been honed using this laying down technique)

Shoe horn?
Eh forget about it and buy a couple pairs of these slip on shoes (in order to make sure you have a pair for every outfit), just slip on and go...Mine are always left by the front door for easy access.

How do you take your medicines laying down?
Even if you are an adult it doesn't hurt to have sippy cups when you get home. Yes sippy cups, these ones helped me battle the "I need my medicine but I cannot sit up to drink" episodes in the first three weeks. Plus the take n' toss variety use regular straws if you lose the ones that come with them and they are cheap, inexpensive, and prevent you from spilling everywhere!

Some other helpful tips, post op....use your cell phone for the reoccurring timer needed for your bone growth stimulator...daily medicines..and to wake you up because you won't be able to reach for a real alarm clock.

Get a magnetic note pad for the refrigerator, and every day list the medicines, what times you are to take them, oh and one of these will help too. A weekly pill case.

Now as far as picking things up, yes the grabber is nice, but so are the little one's, they would do anything to fight their big brother to be the one to help momma. So get you a kid or two if you don't have one before surgery.

This just in...

2008-09-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

The SAHM gets no break in month three.

A is back on the ranch out in Ft. Stockton, that means he works 7days on then 7 off. This boils down to basically me on my own for a week straight. I am still limited in my movements, to pick things up I still have to either A. struggle, B. call for the boys' help, or C. try and remember where I put my grabber for the bazillionth time that day. I am slow and still fatigued greatly from last weeks misadventures, and fearful for my children's lives and my ability to care for them as I ended my day yesterday.

So on my own, and the boys and I used to have a great rhythm together, but now it's tougher because I'm slower and not as with it (mentally i'm a complete head case on the pain pills). Plus I cannot pick up L, it's a HUGE task to dress him and hurts like hades sometimes, and it's hard by the end of the day to even tuck them in and love on them.

So today I successfully managed to get R to school on time (score!) remembered his tuition (double score!!), and then L and I came home. We played house, people, race cars, then he wanted to just cuddle and watch tv (he requested it not me! lol). So we did that the last hour and it made me doze off, and I was woken to a little voice in my ear " WAKE UP MOMMA YOU FELLS SLEEP!" lol.
We got R they ate lunch and thank the stars napped! Woohoo! that was the biggest score of my life right there LOL..I managed to do some school work, they got up and they played super heroes which then in turn helped me with a discussion topic in my class (about modern day myths um hello duh! super heroes! lol)...i made dinner..and then they cleaned up with me...R remembered to feed Hurley (God love that boy!) and then I told them I was so tired that I needed to lay down...so they both cuddled with me on the couch for the last hour of the night...no fighting...complaining it was honestly the sweetest and best thing they could have ever done for their poor momma...then they were off to bed..with NO complaints...and I am doped up finishing up some more reading...then I listed to Palin's speech (which has something in me moved)...and I checked my classes online since I was feeling good enough (and had the time) to finally get onto the computer today..

All in all I was scared crapless about being alone with them, they have been so hard to get to sleep and I just knew I would breakdown by 4 and all would just go to hell and I wouldn't even be able to make them dinner. But we survived they ate very well I might add, and they were so courteous to me and so loving that it melts my heart. I can do this now I know, because my babies give me the support and strength, and I couldn't be prouder.

So this is the begining of me getting back on my feet, and really taking care of my kiddos.
Next week though I am going on vacation LOL.

Rip Van Winkle

2008-09-02T13:39:00.000-07:00

Anyone else remember that story, the guy that like slept forever and a day? LOL.

That's how I feel. I am getting more and more scared as the day wears on, how in Hades will I be able to take care of the boys the next 7 days alone? I can barely stay awake right now, and no amount of caffeine has helped this horrid feeling all weekend. I have to get up by 8 every morning to get one or the other off to school for the day, and then pick them back up. I wouldn't have an issue but well this week starts the week of me completely 100% on my own. I knew it would come at some point in my recovery, but crap I am not ready! This setback is making life total HELL and I am freaking out I will miss picking them up or heck not wake up in time in the morning...or hell get in a wreck on the way to drop them off because I am so bloody tired.

the Fatigue is the utmost WORST part of recovery to me at times, at least with the pain I have control, I know what to do, not to do, and there are medications I can take. When I am tired that's it I cannot physically get UP. But pain wise that is just as much a factor right now. I am in killer pain, yet I am confused and keep forgetting when I take the meds thanks to my fatigue.

This is going to be a LONG week ahead, and I have no control over any of it.

The reign of Hades.

2008-08-30T19:23:00.000-07:00

I hurt like hell.
This week completely obliterated any and all progress I felt that I had made so forth. I decided pain pills was the main course for dinner, and A so kindly offered taco villa nacho's for dessert. Oh those heart shaped chips smothered with beans and cheese how they can make any night so much better. Thursday equaled sleeping till 5. yes, that's right folks 5. Why? Well because Wednesday I flew from here to Plano, went to my appt. then flew right back home. Who would have thought such a trip would make me sleep for almost 2 days straight? Not I said the worn out one. Couple that trip, with cramps/bloating/and a kitchen remodel in progress, and you have the perfect recipe for one step closer to death.

That appointment you ask? Oh yes went very well, (no my neck hasn't broken even though I beg to disagree and my head is still where it belongs). I am going to start PT in the coming week, I am also slated for two more appointments in the next 4 months. One being just the day after my greatest of all friends goes through this same surgery (times two I might add because she has double the curves and well to me that makes her amazing) with the same team of doctors in Plano. That makes me so happy, because I wanted so badly to go there, but couldn't see it really coming to reality, but well when the doctor says you HAVE to visit him then I must I must! So I will be there for her, and hopefully be of some help if not a source of laughter.

Now I must go, and try and coast my night away on the dream ride of dilaudid, pray for sunny days ahead (no pun intended YES I know it's raining right now in Midland but seriously no pun intended Ok? Spankx so much), and try to make it into church/work tomorrow.

Remember that I am thinking of you all and praying for you too, even though I don't seem to be.
Smooches & Toodles!

3 months

2008-08-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

I missed that yesterday, I have been so overwhelmed with life itself. Pain wise I'm in limbo, I have my good moments (when I'm laying down), and then my bad (every other position). I thought I'd try to taper down on the pain meds, only to have everything in my body decide to just hurt, ache, and be known (like feeling the implants CONSTANTLY). I have not been able to sleep well, the hot/cold flashes returned earlier this week, and I have had consistent head aches every afternoon that have made me insanely hard to get along with. (yes i know it's an excuse to some get over it).

I have one major accomplishment under my belt. I am going back to school. Yup, even in all of this mess I finally put it to paper, and I am starting back this fall. In 3 -4 years (depending on how much course load I place on myself) I will be DONE. This semester given my back, the fact I have YET to fully gain my strength, knowing I'll have to start PT in a matter of two weeks, and the boys' schedule I am sticking to 6 hours. These two courses are both online, and I pray that they do not demand so much of my time that I lose focus and feel that I will not be able to handle the next 3 years.

I go to Plano again this upcoming Wednesday, and I will be going at it alone. I'll be flying in that morning and coming back that night. I had my eyes opened to how stressful and trying these trips to Plano have become so I will bite the bullet and attempt to fly alone. Pray I don't go into panic mode about dying and never seeing my kids, this happens every time I even imagine ever flying since I had kids. But well I have to do what I have to do, and I pray that this visit that I get GOOD news, I am told what really is wrong with my neck, oh and I am allowed to finally put down the brace!

Other than that , off the subject of back, I am full on stressed out, overworked underpaid, and miserable in my body. Oh wait other than the back, hmm I love my kids, and well I am excited at whats to come now that I have a career plan lined up, finally it only took me 10 years ;).

Metal Metal everywhere.

2008-08-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

The strain of the muscles around the hardware in my spine, a sensation that I would not curse on my worse enemy. Ok Ok probably on my worse enemy but not anyone I love. A said last night, maybe you'll always feel it, um no way in hades, cannot take it if I have to live like this the rest of my life I'll be in the loony bin, or well rehab of some sorts because i will never stop taking pain meds. The pain I have had to endure the last week, the strains, the weird sharp pin prick pulls in my muscles have made me jittery. Using a broom has hurt like hades in those that pin prick way in my mid back as I tried to move the broom in hopeless attempts.

So 12 weeks now, and what's my progress? Well I can drive, walk around my house, and get in and out of bed (with strain and moans but at least on my own). I should get a gold medal for all that work last week to keep moving, lol. I have sadly found out I can harf and survive. I'm cooking and baking thats keeping me going on the bad days. Especially the baking!

The boys have adapted well to me and my lack of movement. They have been great at helping me out and also they don't seem to mind to play inside all day. Currently they are liking the Olympics and we have watched that in the mornings before lunch. I was so worried before hand, that they would just not be controllable for me, yet they are simply amazing. They pray for me every night at bedtime, in the most adorable concerning way that melts my heart every time. I have told them so many times that I am sorry we don't do much, but soon, very soon, we will do a lot. Almost every time I say that I get from Roman, it's ok I know you're sick. Then they go off and play superheros.

We got to the doctor in 2 weeks. I will find out then if I will get to go completely brace free, and I also will probably get reamed for not starting physical therapy. But I did NOT feel that my body was up to it yet, and I didn't start yet working on building up the strength to get out of the house a couple times a week for about 3 weeks so I could start. Then look where that landed me, in bed with a strained neck for 3 days. So we will see!

Here come the battles.

2008-08-07T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have had a 5 week relapse in my recovery basically over the weekend.
Literally I do not know what happened really, all I can tell you is what I have experienced, and pray that it was not something serious. Friday A was set to go back to work at 8 and then grandma said she'd take the boys. wahoo! I thought, and after they left I set out to eat a load of ice cream lay in bed and have a peaceful night, or so I thought. Shortly later I went to get out of bed to go to the kitchen and I felt a pulling and a sensation I cannot describe, but I knew I was not able to stand and immediately I sat back down, then I layed on my back. Thats when I knew I wasnt getting up. Called A and then my mil, and then I literally fell asleep for about an hour, THAT freaked me out so when I did wake up I immediately called into the doctors in Plano. I was told that it sounded like a pulled muscle, but to be sure if pain increased get to the er or doctor and get x-rays of the hardware.
I could NOT even stand up, I couldn't lay on my side, how was i going to get to the doctor's? I cried off and on all night, and couldn't sleep due to pain, fear, and the inability to really get comfortable since I could only lay on my back. I got myself up, and managed to make my way to the kitchen and back to get ice in the form of the booboo bunny. dont laugh i was desperate. Picture this I could only walk if I had one hand on my forehead and my other hand on the back of my neck. It was as if I was literally holding my head on my shoulders, that's how bad it was. I finally fell asleep around 5am Saturday morning. Then I spent that day sleeping on and off, until grandma came in for a quick check up and to tell me that my baby had been hurt while out at lunch. I made my way outside to see him and agreed that he should go to the ER and I made my way to bed and lost it. I hurt so bad just from that walk it was ridiculous. Getting back to bed was excruciating and miserable and I shortly fell asleep again I believe due to the shock of the pain and being so exhausted. When I did wake up I checked on mr. Roman, and he was fine..they shortly came back to give me the news he was ok for that moment, and was going back to stay another night. That night when I woke up to A coming home he brought dinner, and I attempted to sit up, but all I managed was to silently cry, and make a half-assed attempt to eat. I did not feel like eating but I felt I HAD to make the attempt push through the pain and at least try. But it was miserable and left me feeling so bad that I didn't think I'd pull through. I could barely sleep, I was able to minimally move to my left side at least at that point and had started using the heating pad.

Sunday came and I felt pretty good, so good that I wanted chinese food like MAD crazy. It's all I could think of, I was able to get up around 10 and make a small lunch, very small, and then back to bed. I got cravings for Pepsi, and chocolate and called A, he was amazing and brought me all kinds but my appetite was for chinese dude! So yeah I did get my chinese later that night and FINALLY I was able to sit up in bed and eat a full meal. Success I felt I had a chance and that I would get better. I could at least sit up with support all around me and my neck, and eat. That was huge because even when I'm down and out sick or hurting I eat like crazy. It's my weird quirk, so to be so down so in pain so out of it I had no appetite had me so scared. But a small success was all I had. I woke up Monday so sick to my stomach, that I thought I was nauseaus from my neck pain, then I freaked out and thought crap I really did break something because every time I have broken a bone I have gotten sick. It's weird I know but hell I'm weird. stop laughing I was miserable at this point of the story. Now all day I fought dry heaves no goods when you have a back FULL of hardware holding you upright and you are violently heaving. yeah sorry to make you all nauseous now but you know you're going to keep reading because you love me. So I made it through the day but by the time the boys all got home, yes all three of them ;) I just crawled into my bed.
I fell asleep, and then woke up and A made me food, ate that, and then I was out by 8:40 I mean dude that is EARLY for me. I woke up at midnight and was so miserable, lonely, and sore. I missed my family (I still do) and I had missed my boys so much.
Tuesday oh Tuesday you bastard. I woke up after a night of fever, chills, nausea, monkies, and hot flashes oh and with the occasional nightmare of being assaulted yeah not a good night. So I stumble to the living room and then the next thing I know I am a harfin nightmare. I made it to bed and looked at A, he read my mind and said "I already called grandma shes on her way" lol...yeah another day I couldn't take care of my kiddos. She came got them, ran got me crackers, and then off they went to her house, and I laid in bed all day praying to stop being sick. I called into the office to notify them of my situation and was told that I HAD to get to eating. So he called in Zofran (oh what a magical pill) so that I could curb the nausea and eat again. have you been following along? yeah I had eaten maybe 5 meals since Friday night and it was 3pm on Tuesday. OH I had eaten 4 crackers in about 7 hours on Tuesday so at least something was going in when everything else was going the other way lol.

But by time all was said and done, thanks to the stomach flu and the need to bump up my pain meds due to the strain, yup you get where I'm going, I ran out of meds faster than I could put an order in for a new script. So yes today I have nothing to curb my pain, I had to call in grandma yet again to take care of my kiddos, and I have remained stuck in bed on the couch all day. I am feeling the hardware, the strain in my neck, and the need to just break down and cry. Roman has an appointment and God give me the strength I WILL go with my baby and hold him as they fix his poor little toe. I just pray they don't have to give him shots, I may need to pop some Zofran before I go to curb that nausea waiting to happen. My script can come in the mail any day now, I pray it's tomorrow, but I hold no hope for that.

So there it is being bedridden for 4 days after throwing out your neck and thinking you were going to die because your neck was broken not my idea of a good time. Getting the stomach flu then at the end of that 4 days for 2 days, makes for one bad (straight) momma.

at least I'm not one crooked momma huh?

Two months.

2008-07-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

There is so much I want to record, tell, and to remember. I am doing so much better, things are looking good for me. I wish I had to time to keep this up to share so much everyday. But then I sit down to write it out, to record this process, and the thoughts escape me. I know that soon very soon I'll have more to say, but for now I wanted to remember today is the end of my second month, and I am able to drive myself and the boys and have FUN!

The aftermath

2008-06-24T09:37:00.001-07:00

So here it is, the proof that I am straight!

One month down...11 to go

2008-06-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

Well I slept through the one month mark....and well the last two and a half days...thanks to some setbacks...but the dizzy spells have subsided...the burning is gone thanks to the new meds...I just have to now deal with the emotions of it all.

That is what is hurting me the most.

I am up and walking some, able to squat down, and I have been able to hang out with the boys some more...playing games and puzzles with them...which of course they LOVE..but it's still hard to deal with the fact I cannot get out and play with them...i miss mornings outside with them...and fun times at the park...but I hear about it when I do get up around 9 or 10...and it just saddens me...but I can do nothing but sleep..and when I am awake they are not here or they are alseep...so it has made for a very hard lonely couple of weeks...and not even A understands.

But I have made it to the end of the first month....and I can just only pray that setbacks are behind me...and come next week I will get good news...and just work on the little things that are literally keeping me down.

Positive thoughts.

2008-06-13T13:55:00.000-07:00

Well I am being put on a new medicine to help my nerves calm down, it seems that is the problem of at least the burning sensation throughout my body.

To check on the other issues, I go in next week for a CT Scan of the spine and hardware. This has me worried, seeing that on the 26th I was to go in for my one month checkup which include x-rays, however the CT will let them see better I was told.

So yes please think positively with me that nothing is out of place, or wrong already. I cannot take it if it is.

It's official!

2008-06-13T11:05:00.001-07:00

I got this in the mail today.

So it is official, I have been implanted.
So anyone wanna go flying with me? HaHa!

22 days.

2008-06-12T12:29:00.000-07:00

3 Weeks Post Op.
The wound is really healing nicely, I have been bandage free for days, and it surprisingly looks really good!

I have had a lot of sleep issues, been over tired, or not tired at all. Dealt with some low grade fevers, that had me worried. Now I am dealing with a burning sensation in ALL of my muscles in my torso. It is making me nauseous, and I haven't felt like eating much. Which is coupled with the fact that my appetite seemingly went out the window this past weekend. I have had dizzy spells most of the day today, and have spent most of my time in bed.

Good news, my hot/cold flashes seem to have diminished. However, I am now just hot all the time it seems. I have had to deal with odd pops, and weird pains in my spine, that have me mentally losing it.

It seems that I really don't know about things, everything seems to be wrong, I feel as if I have messed up somewhere, I caught myself twisting myself the other day, and realized I may have been doing that all along so that worries me. I just pray I haven't messed up something already, and now I am dizzy again.

The ups and the downs.

2008-06-04T18:55:00.000-07:00

Today = bad day, lots of sleeping, and feeling OFF completely. Not really physically pain, but pure exhaustion set in. Forcing myself to sit up and gain the strength, and to eat and push through the mental strain.

I cannot shake the feeling in my mind, it's so weird to feel your spine, and in other areas it's completely numb. I just have the vision of all the metal, I can feel it moving and then I freak out. I cannot cuddle my babies, that is taking it's toll on not just me but them as well. I am trying as hard as I can to make a point to try and cuddle in anyway I can every day and read to them as well. I cannot sit up to play with them of course, and sitting up today just to eat was challenging.

I question myself in all of this, I have to be real here, there isn't a time I haven't questioned was this right for my family? I mean what if I just cannot get up and back to where I was with my kids, I do not want them to lose out on their mother. I don't want them to lose out on the best time of their lives with me, and I don't want to lose it either.

Physically man, I now I am strong, I am adapting well, but it is hard to swallow the fact of all that is happening and all that I still cannot do.

2 weeks post op and I just have to keep pushing myself to keep moving forward and stay positive. Stay strong, and be well. I cannot let this get me down, I have come a long way so far.

2008-06-01T07:11:00.001-07:00

11 days post op. Some pain issues, mostly just sore spots on my shoulders, and I have read that it is pressure points from the surgery. This can last a few weeks or months.

The night before and 9 days Post Op

But yes I am doing well. Amazingly Well. I will get up and greet you if you come over because typically I'm in NEED to be up. Rest wise I sleep every two hours or so...or at least am down. I am NOT supposed to be in bed all day due to stiffness. I sit up 4-5 times a day for an hour at a time, and walk around the house in 15 minute spurts 3 times a day. I can move with ease, I am self functioning (read potty and showering), I cannot lift things, so I do have help getting food. I cannot bend, I must squat and use a grabber to get things I need. I have dressed every day, and even taken showers. I am doing beyond what the expectations we had before hand, the doctors too. On the day of my release my doctor literally almost walked into me as he came around the corner I was walking towards. He GASPED and said OMG look you you!!!! He just stood there mouth hanging open. He said you look amazing and you are taller than your husband. As we walked away he watched me and told his PA ..wow she is so tall so straight, and so proportioned now it's unbelievable how great she looks.

So I am happy, thanking God I got to finally fix all of this mess, and as of Friday night elated (when A took that pic) ! I am STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home sweet Home!!

2008-05-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

Made it in Wednesday afternoon, have been hanging with my babies, doing a LOT of resting, drinking LOTS of water, and having little issues here and there.

For the most part sleeping better already, have stomach bloating that's making me uncomfortable, and irritable. Showering on my own, eating on my own, and even getting up on my own a few times a day!

The boys missed the heck out of me and I sure as hades was glad to get home to them.

I will have a full update in weeks, after I have time to write out my story, and to compile more energy!

dude get it up.

2008-05-27T00:33:00.000-07:00

Ok i do not have an official height, not till my one month check up they like the shock and AWE of that moment the doc said. However I have asked every nurse, tech, therapist that comes stands next to me HOW TALL ARE YOU..hahahha even the 5'1 ones because lord i was thinking they were only 4 feet something Standing up from t he bed i go nose to nose with mr. A and well i am a nose over him. and he has ON his shoes. So with the nurse I had that was 5'10, knowing A is a solid 5'8 , I think that I gained at the least 2 and a half inches.

The other horror story? June 2007 i was able to see two different doctors and have my spine measured, i was told i was a 43....Today I found out that this surgery came at the best time in my life. I was 51degrees last wednesday morning. In 10 months, not only did I lose just over an inche in height, my curve worsened at the rate of like almost a degree a month.

*WARNING***
PLEASE whatever you do, have your children (especially your girls) checked/screened. Do not ask your dentist (yes they are QUALIFIED in Texas to screen and pass you off as fine and you could be a hot mess. Please have them screen, then get your child to lubbock, fort worth, or hell drive the drive here to baylor for bracing/care. my children will NEVER see a doctor in midland for back issues, hell the ones in indiana didn't do much better for me

Straight-backed-Megan

2008-05-25T16:14:00.000-07:00

This is Adam again.

It's 4 days after the surgery, and they're ready to get Megan out of the hospital.
She's done very well, she gets up to walk every couple of hours. She'll walk around the nurses station, in a big figure 8... sometimes twice around. She's still using a walker, but she's getting better every day.

She is still in some pain, but the doctor said the "surgery pain" will last for a few weeks, and the "installed hardware pain" will last for 2-3 months.
I guess the nurses are tired of her, and her warped sense of humor ("quote-Sense of humor-unquote") and they begged the doctor to discharge her. So the Doctor said she can leave the hospital tomorrow. We will stay in one of the near-by hotels for at least 2 days, maybe 3, depending on how Meg feels. We are going to stay so that she can still come into the hospital and meet with the physical therapists on an out-patient basis.

We're going to try to get her a plane ticket into midland, so she doesn't have to sit in my truck for 5 hours. But as it is planned now... Megan should be home on or around thursday.

I was all ready to stay for another week. Hell, she just had spinal fusion surgery, there are metal screws, clamps, rods, coat hangers, car keys, license plates, and who knows what else insider of her. One would certainly think that a couple of weeks in the hospital would be in good order, but the doctors say "BE GONE!"

Shows what i know.

See you all on or around Thursday.

-Adam

That's all for now. See you thursday-ish
And for those of you who may have been wondering... Yes. Megan is taller.

2008-05-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

hello one minute/letter at a time

I have a phone#469-814-5328 ....will be able to talk in 10 minutes.

I just took my pain meds and will only be awake for another half an hour, or so.

2008-05-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

This is Adam, Meg's husband. Meg asked me to update this blog after her surgery.

We got to the hospital at 5:30 this morning, checked in, waited for a few minutes, then they took us back to the hospital room. There they asked more questions, filled out some more forms, cleaned her back, started the IV, and all the rest of that pre-op stuff.
After about an hour, around 7:45, the surgeon showed up. He was dressed in a weird blue suit. This was the first time we've seen him without his surgical scrubs on, maybe the suit wasn't weird, it was just ... unusual, i guess. He chatted with us for a few minutes, reasuring us, and introduced us to the anesthesiologist and surgery nurse. Then he said... "I'm gonna do rounds" and with that, was out the door.

The anesthesiologist administered her "happy drugs". After only a few seconds, Megan said "Roman looks like he has three heads, come here and give me a hug" The boys hugged and kissed one more time, then they wheeled her back to the operating room.

The nurse called me every 30-45 minutes with updates, "everything's going fine" "she's doing well" etc.etc.etc. Now it's just after noon, Doctor Shelikov came out, he said "she's perfect" and "straight". He encountered no problems, Meg didn't lose any blood, everything went well. He told us she'd be rolled up to the ICU in a few minutes, then I'll be able to see her.

Everything went well. Megan has a straight back. All is good.

-Adam

Let's do this!

2008-05-21T04:31:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all that have given me your support and love. Your thoughts and prayers are what is bringing through this today. I have given into my fears, found the strength from my amazing husband, and my awesome God who's hedge of protection surrounds me today. Your prayers and thoughts are so appreciated today, and much needed now!

I put my faith into Him, my God is awesome, and my doctor's are so amazing.
Today is the day, I will never forget, today is the day I finally do something for myself, and take control to make my life better. Today is the day I face my fears, and overcome every trepidation I've had about this surgery.

I will be back in a week or so, until then look for mr. A to do some bloggin' for me, and give you all the updates and highlights. I love him more than the world will ever know, I am blessed that he is in my life. My brother Will, I wish you could be here this week, I love you and miss you! Staci, I love you and know that you are with me today, I cannot wait till we stand together straigh and tall and show it all off to the world!

Love to you all!
See you in a week!
Here we go!

6 hours and counting.

2008-05-20T23:33:00.000-07:00

I'd be a liar and say I was doing great tonight. But right now, thanks to the X-man I am a-ok. LOL.

Tonight was a GREAT night with my boys, dinner at Buca di Beppo's, some haircutting for me, and then of course TARGET! haha...I decided to cut off about 3 more inches on my hair so it's easier to maintain over the next couple weeks for not only me but mr. A too. ;)

I have been nervous all day, had a bit of a reaction to one of the med's I am on, seemed to get hives all over my face, and a load of red splotches. FREAKED out, but calmed down some, and it seems to be calming down. Trying to calm down enough to at least nap tonight, and relax and put it all into God's hands. The stress had me all up in arms, I was crying/praying/freaking most of my night, and doing the best I could not to puke everywhere.. Won't lie, this is NOT easy to take on, mentally/emotionally and physically.

That is my back before Dr. S gets to be the MAN and fix me!!

I love my boys!

Oh and after 5 and a half years my husband finally did it.

See you all in a few days!!!

Jeremiah29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

The back story

2008-05-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

I thought that before all of this grand adventure, I'd give the story of how I have progressed to this point where surgery is my only option.

I was diagnosed a little while after my 12th birthday, I have lived with this for the past 15 years of my life, so for as long as I can remember I have had this in my life. I was diagnosed with a slight curve close to 30, and immediately braced. I lived in that brace, a Boston brace. For 2 years, wearing that brace 23 hours a day. That left me with one hour every night after dinner to take it off, shower, do some therapy stretches, then put it back on for bed. 2 years. That was the end of my 7th grade year, all of my 8th, and the first few weeks of my freshman year of high school. I was a freak, I was looked down upon, made fun of, and humiliated for 2 years. I was told during that time, bracing would be the only form of correction therapy I would need, for I was never over 45 degrees. When I ended my bracing I was under 28 degrees and a bracing success story.
I spent high school careful, didn't get to compete in cheer leading because of the ridicule, but did make to the dance team my junior/senior year of high school. Once I left for college, I seemed to be well, had no major issues, just minor pains and aches, and felt that maybe I would be ok.
I had the stigma of needing pain meds, and tried to make it in life without them, however that was never easy. I did get cortisone shots at one point to help numb the pain, and worked with physical therapy on and off for years.

By time I was 21, I was dealing with pain, however nothing major, by time I became pregnant with my Roman, things began to change for my body. Shortly after he was born, I had episodes where my legs would completely give out from underneath me. I would have episodes where I would completely lose control of my back and be stuck in bed for a day or more. I saw my orthopedist and was told that there was nothing to really be done but some more physical therapy and a warm and form brace. That my problem wasn't my scoliosis but my SI joint. So I went that option, because as he said "Surgery is just not done on adult scoliosis patients, you missed your window of opportunity 9 years ago".

Then a year later I was pregnant with my baby Lucian. That is where everything changed, and everything started to go downhill faster than I could physically keep up with. By time he was born, I had endured so much excruciating pain, that I could not even complete physical therapy sessions, and had a PT tell me that until my pain was managed there was nothing that could be done for me. That left me feeling defeated and that I would never be able to live my life normally. When he was barely 2 months old, I threw out my back completely, and ended up bedridden on the floor of our family room for 2 days. Nothing worked and I was in PAIN, even A had to help me to the bathroom and move me that first day.

As time went on, things started shifting and I could feel those affects on my insides. My ribcage was shifting more and more, and a sticking sharp pain was developing. By time we had moved cross country I was getting to the point I could barely roll over in bed, or sit comfortably on the couch anymore. My back was deteriorating faster than I could ever have imagined. I attempted to find help in Midland, only to be told by one doctor I was just depressed, and another telling me Scoliosis doesn't hurt, I don't know what your problem is. The SAME things I had endured for 14 years.

So that brings me to this February, to Dr. Shelakov, and the beginning of my journey to a better life. I know that at this point in my life I have two choices, live in this crooked body, endure pain so bad I cannot hold my children most days, play with them on the floor or cuddle with them in their beds. Endure pain that prevents me from rolling side to side in bed, from walking completely upright after I have spent all of 2 minutes on the couch or in bed. OR finally after 15 years face the facts of my life, that the quality of life I have now will only get worse and I will not be walking in another 5. So facing the fears, finally accepting that this is the only option I have at a better life has led me to this decision. I want to be not only a better (straighter) woman, but a better mother to my children. I want them to enjoy life with a mother that is not dependent on walkers, pain meds, or days in bed to cope. I want them to have a mother that can take them to the parks, play with them on the ground, and run with them through life.

This is the story, my story, this is The back story.

Plano here we are.

2008-05-18T19:04:00.000-07:00

Well after a great couple days, we are back in Plano.
2 more days. Just 2 more days left in this crooked body.

I have to say I LOVE my kids, they are just completely insane.
The past few days, they have both prayed for me, Lucian tonight sat and prayed for me while we shared pb&jelly sammies.. I am getting to the point my nerves are shot, I can barely eat or sleep. This is going to be one roller coaster I will never forget.

I am so ready for the ride to begin.

Vacation.

2008-05-15T21:37:00.000-07:00

Sea world today!

The L-man got to see his Shamu today, hearing him talk so much, "i love shamu!" melts me!
Minus some breakdowns, tantrums, momma forgetting her medicine all day, it was a great day. I love sea world, I loved petting the dolphins, and I loved being with my boys.

I just need to see the penguins then all will be very kosher ;) ...oh and ride a ride or two with my Roman! he is tall enough to ride the big boy rides this year! (no not a huge roller coaster, but one of those water rides you know you sit in that circular boat things) um yeah one of those rides haha.

Everyone is sleeping, A was a great husband, walked over got me brownie ala mode. Watched LOST, what is going oN?!?!?!?! that show makes me nuts. Finally getting relaxed, on some xanax, plus my pain meds.

So life is good. Time is ticking away, and I am enjoying these days with my family.

Staci, girl, if it wasn't for her back at home so much would be different. I haven't mentioned it but she wrote me the most awesome of letters, full of so much love. I have a turtle (the boys are fighting me for it daily), so that no matter what she IS with me through all of this. She'll be in my shoes in just over a year, and I know she will do great! I am so thankful for her and her love and support. It is just another reason why I know I am making the right decision. and as she said, this IS going to make me not only a better woman, but a better wife and mother as well. Love you girl!

A week.

2008-05-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

That is what I look like today.

One week. To a new me.

Pre-op appointments today, visited the hospital, got to see at least a part of it, everyone that I have met so far has been so great. Did I mention baylor has a conceirge? Um. yeah.

Cleared for surgery, everything is good to go.
Fitted for the brace, man that bad boy is just huge, and more than I ever imagined.
More x-rays, blood work, and nerve wracking stress.

Speaking of stress, the internal medicine doc, has put me on xanax for the next week. To help me sleep, calm me down, and help me out. I do not think it will really help, hello when have I ever stopped stressing out?

In the truck while driving, Roman mentions momma I'm going to pray for you, and he did. Lucian said, me too! and so he prayed, doctor fix mommy carry stuff, Amen. The boys are all about me carrying stuff and that's about it. Doctor will fix mommy's back I have told them, so I can be a happier mommy that can carry stuff for them finally. They seem to harp on the carry stuff part.

Freaked out a little bit, got the statistics, and 'scary story' visit. Death rates, the fact Dr. S lost 2 patients last year alone. But I have the peace in my heart all will be well.
Asked A if the thought of losing me scares the crap out of him, and he says I don't think about it because it's not going to happen. THAT. that is why I am ok, that is why I can do this, that is why I love him.

9 days.

2008-05-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Have you figured out that I'm counting down now??

days until my surgery...9 days.
We are cleaning up tonight, finishing up the house (my brother promised to clean while I was gone), and trying to stop stressing.We are going to Plano tomorrow, last minute pre-op appointments, then decided to go and relax...So we're off to San Antonio for 4 days of Sea World, and relaxing! Then we are back to Plano the night of the 18th, and have two days to spend together before my surgery on the 21st.
I am overwhelmed with emotions, trying to stay level headed, and get things completed. I fear only forgetting to do something, I fear not the surgery, I feel as if I am in good hands, but everything is always in God's hands.I will not be online much the next two weeks, I will have withdrawl's so I'm sure I'll grab A's laptop time to time to destress at nights. But for now I am getting myself ready and we're heading out. A will update for me and send out email's, anyone wanting on the email loop just let me know your email and I'll add it.

16 days

2008-05-04T19:56:00.000-07:00

Packing, cleaning, sorting, freaking out, playing with the kids, and cooking. That is the course of my next week. Then we leave for Plano. Then we have 4 days to relax and vacation with the boys. I am overwhelmed, feel as if I will get nothing done, and end up leaving here with a wreck of a house, and have to come home to the same.

But that is just my stress level and my stupid worrisome side.
The last two weeks have been horribly busy with life.Lucian is TALKING like a freak! It is insane how much he is talking now, and everything is Gee told me, and he calls me Mommy now...aww no more momma, that is when I knew Roman was growing up and now Lucian has reached that point too.. Roman has turned into a monster, and whining and attitudes are making me lose it. And they are both making me not want children at least 3 days out of the week. But then they are sweet and cuddle and love on me, and I get distracted and think I would actually want another. But then they go off the deep end again and I regain my focus on reality.Went to Nemo on Ice. The boys were ok but got bored fast, so that wasn't fun. Plus A got called to a rig to work right before the show started, and ended up stuck there for 6 days.
Found out a good friend of mine, and Roman's is moving soon. I am so happy for her and her family, but still cannot believe they are leaving! I hope I at least get to see the baby before you all go!

Now for the surgery... A lot has been on my mind lately, odd things, some surgery related some not. I keep thining about the normal thing. I will be normal? I mean get out of town! I will be taller, thinner, and um normal? Wow. I told A that I want to measure my waist before the surgery and take pictures before and after for good measure!I think that I will be in rehab for a week to 10 days, and I told A that he can go ahead and leave me there, because um yeah, I will be alone, no kids, in a rehab hospital and see no problem with that! It's actually exciting to think of the fact I won't have my kids for that long, it's just gotten that stressful!

I will have to readjust my entire life around this, it just isn't a physical change, mentally and emotionally I am changing. I have always had the stigma of my back, and the pain. Of being looked down upon because I have had to take pain meds (narcotics at times) constantly for my back, and even one person in my life used it as an excuse against me in our relationship. (one thing I am thankful A never did). I have had to watch what I do, and limit what I do, or just push through it with horrendous pain and effort. To think that I will not have to live this life anymore, I mean no pain, it is a dream!

Being a mom has been on my mind, like how in HADES do you keep your sanity? How do you keep from hurting them when they completely obliterate their room? I mean they are 2 &4 and managed to flip the mattress OFF Roman's bed and it was upside down on the floor, seriously??!?!? my kids are broken. Then there is the thought of just being a parent, and how the responsibility seems to be lacking for so many, when it comes to safety of their children, health of their chidlren, and the mental/emotional wellfare. I know I am lacking sometimes on the emotional front, but I can only blame my pain and frustration of just not feeling good. I HATE that I feel this way, and pray that in the end my kids don't hate me for being a bad mommy most of the days.
Thinking of A and I, how things are, and are not. I cannot even begin to focus on us, and I know that I cannot help it. There is so much going on, spending time with him has come last for months now. His mom is meeting us in S.A. and has offered to take the boys one night and we can go off on our own for that night, and I really think that we need that. It will be just 5 days before my surgery, and I think I will need it more than he even knows.

There is so much more to speak of, but pain, exhaustion, and life just stops me from going on and on.

Long days, great talks.

2008-04-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a long tiring day, lots of pain, and drama to make you crazy enough to take as much of your meds as possible.

I sat for the first time and really prayed tonight, listened to my heart, and to God.
As I am praying I keep hearing 17:7....and I kept praying...i keep hearing 17 like its being screamed at me...I hear 17:7 again and ask God I seek your help and your answers point me in the right direction and I hear Matthew...and I thank God and I hear read Mathew 17 read it all...and i hear 17:7 again.

He does answer.

Of course there was a change...

2008-04-18T21:03:00.000-07:00

Great night tonight! Got to have a date night with the A, went to dinner, and then of course home. We really know how to have a great time.

Also A got a call, guess it seems surgery has been moved to the 21st. It works out better for us, A will not start his days off until the 12th.

One month 3 days!!!

One month and counting...

2008-04-17T21:01:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe I am this close, and still without the fear and dread. I only wonder about the aftermath...how will my life really change? God is blessing my family so much more than I could have ever imagined. Even if Mr. A does not believe in God, I sure as everything believe that the reason that our marriage is so much stronger and happier is because of God. He answered my prayers to move in A's heart to be more helpful, stop drinking, and to stop and realize the most important things in life. I feel that my prayers are being answered on a daily basis in my marriage.
My bond with Staci is so strong and beyond this world. I can sit the other morning and just go on about the pain, the surgery, and the husbands with such ease. It will only grow from here, if she will just stop being such a sap ;) haha.
Work at the church has been awesome, I still cannot believe that I was able to find a part time job that fits into our lives and yet I feel so humbled and blessed to have it. I have met a lot of interesting awesome people in my church because of it. Speaking of that this Sunday I plan on dedicating the boys (finally!) ..it hit me on sunday that the date will be 4-20...and that sealed my decision because I was baptised on 4-20 five years ago! Too awesome! (plus it's easier for me to remember in my screwed up brain)

I still have so much to do next week, cleaning organizing, packing. Arranging care for the boys, getting a hotel room booked (and one in San Antonio). San Antonio because we're going to Sea World again!! I am having a Kenmore House Party this Saturday, we got a bounce house and everything! I am super excited, so far I think we will have 6 people here, and my brother is a huge help in helping get things cleaned up for it.

Hmm..this is a load of randomness brought you to by your friends Darvocet and Piroxicam.

The L-man's big day.

2008-04-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

In the midst of my surgical decision, my baby had his own!

L-man did so great! We got there at 6:15...checked in..then waited our turn...that came an hour later...five minutes before they started to wheel him up they gave him some medicine to help him relax...by time we got upstairs he was DRUNK. yes folks..he was sitting there with this lopsided smile hunched over..hands folded in his lap...and his eyes one half open the other wide open..it was HILARIOUS..i wish i had a camera!

well after they took him back...it was only 30 minutes before he was out and we could see him again..and he was still out of it! no crying (the other 3 kiddos were SCREAMING out in pain)...Lucian was just sitting there smiling...eyes kept rolling back into his head...and he'd giggle here and there...made me feel so comfortable with my own surgery upcoming, to see such a sweet small child do so awesome!

we got downstairs just 5 minutes later because he was doing so good already....he got to drink...and he would try and sit up and fall over and just land on hsi face...try to sit up...and just giggle!... then we were sent home 30 minutes after that. ...the other 2 were still there...one was still crying...the other was whimpering...but Lucian just did awesome! so we're home...and he is still drunk...he keeps trying to walk and he falls down...laughs...then tries to get up...falls over forward...and laughs...its so funny....

now to go try and get them to nap for me! i'm tired!

The reason for all of this found?

2008-04-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

Amazing, simply amazing where the path of life this decision has brought me to!

The playgroup I joined, after I felt the pull to let go of mine (which hurt me to do), has linked me to an amazing person (and a bunch of other great women). I just felt God had a different plan for me so I let that playgroup go to step back and let Him lead my life. Well he had a plan and it is showing it’s face.

First I met an amazing girl, she is my age, and she is going through the SAME situation as me. I mean back issues, completely horrid scoliosis even worse than mine!...and she had been praying herself to figure out if she was on the right path in her life. At the same time I am trying to figure out if I am really making the best decision in my life, God linked us together. I have never met anyone that can feel how I feel and know it in their heart and soul. Someone that I can bond with on a spiritual level as well. It IS amazing! This is someone that comprehends the live I live and the pain I endure, and other issues to boot. I mean I just cannot believe that I have met someone that is on the same life path, and it took moving to Midland to find someone (guess all the great people in my life have come from midland ;) )..She has offered her help, her support, and anything that I may need after the surgery...

Also just last night, another woman in the group, let me know that as the hospitality coordinator for the group she would like to help my family after the surgery as well! I’m talking about providing meals for up to two weeks after we come home! There have been others that have offered to help with Roman and come over. I am so overwhelmed with the generosity of complete strangers in my life.If I hadn’t listened to God, and just took a step back in my life, I would not have had the opportunities and people I have helping me out. I was leery, didn’t know how He would pull through, and it has happened.

The other thing is that I got word that the surgery is NO WHERE NEAR the amount we thought we would have to pay, I’m talking it is over 20,000 less because the doctor’s office has figured that all out for me. I found that out on monday.I had wanted for a long time to stop stressing out over the little things, to let go and let God handle it all. When it came time to do that first visit at the doctor, I prayed that God would reveal that I was going in the right direction. I prayed that god would guide me and show me that I would change from this experience. Not just physically, but mentally as well. and already God is showing me that if I just rely on Him, that if I just ask Him to take care of something then He will and He has. Never in my life, have I let myself be taken care of (with the small exception of Mr. A)...

This I knew I had to learn to do to be a better person, better mother, and to serve my God. Just so many AMAZING things are being revealed, this is WHY I believe, this is WHY I love my God.

Now to work on the being a better momma part. That is to be continued.....

Happy Birthday Adam!

2008-04-01T08:53:00.000-07:00

I know you are working, but I love you, and wish you the BEST of birthdays!

this is the day ..the Lord has given, let us rejoice and be glad in it

2008-03-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

The day is set.
May 19th, the first day of the rest of my life.

It is a hard thing to comprehend if you haven't lived this life. Imagine it for a second, being bent over, crooked, constant pain, and ridicule I am SO ready to have the surgery and stop being in so much pain. So that I can live my life free and have FUN with my kids. I am praying that God takes care of it all. Who will take care of the kids while I have surgery and Adam is with me? If there is a HUGE out of pocket expense how will we cover that? How am I going to take care of them once we are back at home? I just have to trust in my faith and know that God has made this all happen so far that he will take care of me and my family.I just am having a hard time comprehending the fact that I will have a straight spine. That I will not be in pain, and that I will never have to live on pain meds to keep myself functioning. It just blows my mind. Oh and the fact I can possibly gain an inch or two in height! That is just whacked out. Me. 5’9? yeah that’s crazy!le for over half of you life.

Speaking of surgeries, my baby is also going in for his own surgical milestone. He has struggled for most of his wee life with speech and hearing and in just a week, my baby is getting tubes in his ears. He flunked his hearing test, and so to get the fluid out of his ears tubes are his only hope. I am so excited for him! I get to FINALLY hear what his little voice will sound like, and he will finally get to hear the world. I know he can hear some, but I just don’t know what he cannot hear. The adjustment he will have to go through will probably scare the poor thing silly for a while... This is his chance at leading a new life, and I am one proud momma. I freaking love that boy! I love my KIDS!

The boys are napping, and I am just buzzed off the newest medicine..I promised the boys pizza and a movie tonight...that folks is how you cope as a Mother with severe scoliosis and pain. Movie nights and order in some pizza's...plus the kids LOVE the special treats every week! :)

No officer really I haven't had anything to drink...

2008-03-26T22:52:00.000-07:00

I emailed the office for advice on better pain medicines. I am a freaking mess on the ones they gave me, jittery, or well feeling drunk and STILL hurting so bad I cannot lay down. It is complete crap.

For now the boys are FINALLY sleeping, I took my fabulous pain pills, and am off to bed. Praying for better days to come.

Wow that's just amazing.

2008-03-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

Ever have a doctor tell you that? Yes, I guess now my crooked spine is amazing.
This is it, this is where the story of the new me begins. Today it begins, things will never be the same again.

I'll be here to share a story, my story, the story of how I finally came to the point where I could accept what was really inside of me, and that it would have to finally one day have to be fixed surgically.

Welcome. Welcome to my story, to my family, and my adventure to a new life inside of my body.

Happy Birthday Mom!

2008-03-06T23:41:00.000-08:00

A and I are in Plano. Yup just the two of use, sounds exciting huh? Nope not too terribly much. We are here for me to see a specialist for my spine. I haven't ever talked about the crappy quality of life that I endure day in and day out...but it is not an easy one...i have been in pain so unbearable most days that i cannot sit/walk/sleep/or play with my boys. When we were finally given a referall to a Scoliosis/Spine surgeon and quickly got an appointment we totally jumped at this chance.
That was today...while waiting in the office at 12:30 that's when it hit me what day it was....then I really turned into a nervous anxious wreck even more so....with her on my heart...the fear of being told yet again that nothing could be done for me...I wanted to puke right there in the waiting room... But all went well..I have to say the Dr. was a breath of fresh air...he was REAL open honest...and he used terms like..."you live way out west jesus..or should i say in little baby jesus"....he called his own dad a shit bag....um he asked me where i would be more comfortable to sit...i said i'm fine standing...and he said oh shit your f'n miserable i can see that...so yes he was laid back and well adam and i both agree he reminds us of House with a little bit of Dr. Jack Shepard...yes we watch too much tv folks.

The diagnosis? Spine surgery, fusion.... he was flat out...and said "well i can do the surgery in 3 hours now lets look at some dates" he was just brutally honest. Open. oh and he hugged me goodbye. I have a lot to take in, a lot to learn...and a lot to take care of...the surgery? oh yeah it can happen as early as the last week of April....We're thinking of taking a mid-may date though right now. I am so un anxious...i am not fearful....meeting the dr...his practice..my mind is at peace and i feel that God has placed me right where I need to be...I feel that so much is good for A and I at this timein our lives that I can finally make myself better.

I had all but given up hope of ever living a normal life...I have gotten accustomed to being in constant pain for the past 5 years....I figured that I had to get used to it for it was the only future I had. I just didn't think that someone would do surgery...so many as dr. skelkov said "shitbag doctors" just don't know what they are doing....and well flat out don't give a damn to try....

**A just said "good morning" sat up and waved....ok he is back down and snoring hahah! I love that man... Now I just want to be at home with my babies...love on them...and come to terms with everything...all I can dream about right now is not being in pain....growing an inch or two or hell maybe 3...and losing my tummy flap thanks to the surgery...and my boobs looking bigger only because my tummy is flatter...hahhaha...that is what vicodin does to you folks...really makes you think of the big picture ;)

So yeah we've been on our own for two days....getting in some good ol' Ikea lovin'...some super target fixes....we go home tomorrow...it's been so refreshing to have this time alone with A...makes it so much easier to take in this huge moment that is about to affect our family....oh and we had our fun a wee bit too....Erm...yah..

So finally, after 11 years of fighting for a right to live a normal life...fighting for some dr to listen to me...on my mother's birthday here I am in Plano getting real answers to my prayers. I just pray that everything does work out and I come out of this with a new lease on life. All I want to do is be able to play with my kids. I just don't want to be in pain anymore.

the begining of the end?

2008-02-24T18:33:00.000-08:00

Well I have a fabulous new family doc. He is the one that find's my spine so amazing, and diagnosis me as being osteopenia (yay more drugs to add to the mix you know calcuim) ..Well he has referred us to a specialist in Plano.

So within a matter of weeks, I have an appointment with a specialist in Plano (read 6 HOURS away) for my scoliosis bitch of a spine. i am NOT fairing well and every day brings more and more pain, so I am praying that I find someone finally who doesn't just brush me off. Tell me to just try more therapies that are just water on a wound.